Depression

Seasons are changing, holidays are approaching, college is getting more stressful as the semester begins to come to an end. Everything is beginning to crash, and it gets like this every year. I don't want to rely on my medication again because I don't like pills. I took them for a couple years and I'm finished with it. Anyways, things just seem so heavy on me during these times, sometimes I even consider the question, "Why do I even live?" What's the purpose? I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I honestly just don't value my life, I don't care if I die, at least by dying it will end everything that sucks, and end my emotions that make me feel so crappy. I can't take it. I feel like I have hardly any friends, and with that being said, my depression makes it near impossible to make any new friends. I don't want to be in Maryland anymore. I don't want to be in college anymore. I don't want to be single my entire life, but I feel like I will be honestly, I'm too much of a coward to ever ask another girl out at this point. I don't want to deal with losing the only few loved ones that I have. I don't want to see things constantly keep changing. I've been through so many different environments and changes in the last two decades, and I can't imagine what more I'm gonna end up seeing and going through in the next 2 decades...

I'm seriously in shock that I'm sitting in the library at Towson University. My whole life I had awaited the day to turn 18 so I could be an adult. And now I'm gonna be 20 and I just can't believe it. I can remember certain things from elementary school still, middle school almost most things, and high school honestly is the biggest blur, but then again, I was high and drunk pretty frequently during those years. Most people don't seem to look back in the same sense that I do, and think, "Why am I here" or "How am I here" or "I don't wanna be here". It seems as if most look at the present and say "I love that I'm here now" and I just can't do that. It seems as I get older, I look back with more regrets. I have reasons why, but at the same time, I don't. It's confusing, but then I'm a confusing person to understand. Sometimes I just wish I could relive one good day from the past. I liked the simplicity of childhood. No responsibility, school was whatever, no work. Don't get me wrong, there were some serious struggles growing up, but I'd take it to relive the simple mindset of a child because this I can't take.

Maybe I'm being irrational, maybe I'm being stupid by saying such crap, but then again, maybe its all reasonable. I don't know. I just needed to vent this out on blogger because it has been on my mind. Please pray for me for those that do pray. For those that don't, hope for the best that I get through this season. Thanks

California...

I know it's been awhile since I made a post on here, but as any of my followers should know, I usually go through cycles with this site being that I am pretty busy while at college. However, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, this past month really. I think I'm going to be leaving Maryland in a couple years. While a couple years sounds far, its really close considering I've already manage to basically go through 2 decades! Anyway, I'd like to point out that I was born, and raised in Maryland. Honestly, I think I've had enough here though. Too much drama with past friends, and too many memories I'd rather forget (even though there are good ones, there are also some really bad ones). My gut instinct tells me every day, "If you want to succeed in the future, leave the past" and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Being the thinker that I am, I considered my future life out in California. I have strong faith that I can get an accounting career out there,(given that is my major at Towson University). I know that I can earn good money out there doing that, and of course, obtaining my CPA. I'm also planning after 10 to 15 years of working for a firm, that I would become a partner in my own firm, or even the one that I had been working for. On top of the job that I could obtain, I also love the idea of living somewhere in which I can just look out my window, or stand on my balcony and be able to see the pacific ocean, or the palm trees or even just the idea of being able to relax after a nice long day at work. I also want to start a nice family out there as well. It's a really good environment for family life.

Another thing about California that is a benefit is the fact that I have several cousins that already live out there so it won't be like I'm completely alone from the start. I get along with all of them as well, which is rare for me considering in other areas I don't typically get along with family to such an extent. Last but not least, I would love to get back on track spiritually, my faith has been terrible lately. I don't know what it is but I can not stay on the path for the Lord! It drives me crazy. There are always several months where my faith is amazing, and then I fall away as if I never had faith to begin with. However, my problem is the associations I have out here in the east coast, and the peers that hold me back. Anyways, I really do believe that all of this can be achieved once I leave everything behind me here. I have everything mapped out in my mind. As for now, my goal is to earn my bachelor's degree in accounting, so lets hope and pray that goes well because my future rests upon it. Please post your comments on any of this, I'm open to discussion about this "big move" decision. (I'll be waiting Christina...) lol

Some last a lifetime, most last a season.

The other day while watching a Madea play (yeah, I actually watch it even though the script is usually not that good, although the character Madea is funny to me). Also, in case you don't know, Tyler Perry is a Christian and he always puts messages into his movies or plays. Anyways, I'm not gonna talk about the movies or Tyler Perry in this blog. What I am going to discuss is a message that I heard the other day. It changed my view on friendships. It was actually that much an an eye opener. First off, we must remember that not all of our friends that we meet last a lifetime. Everyone I'm sure has experienced temporary friendships, whether or not you intended that, which I don't think anyone actually "intends" for a friendship to be temporary. However, many are. With that being the case, we can describe friendship in comparison to tree. So lets first break down what makes up a tree. There are leaves, branches, and roots. The leaves describes the people that only last for a short period of time in your life, and usually they are obvious, you know you'll only deal with them for a little bit of time, could be an assignment at work, could be anything really. Could just be your not feeling a close relationship but you just "hang out". Whatever it may be, leaves wither away. These are the ones you shouldn't care about when they do wither away. Its a who cares situation.

Next we have the branches. Now the branches are tricky. They fool you. They last for awhile typically, just like any branch does on a tree for the most part. The branches are usually close for quite some time, a good few years, but God decides when they break off. And like any branch, it will break off, and usually it wasn't strong to begin with, but basically in time you just made it strong through some growing. However, without a strong connection, the friendship will end, and usually this happens through eventually growing apart, or some big argument, or some other issue that may have happened. In nature, it usually happens in time, or by some strong force of wind, or even birds or squirrels etc. And when this does, it hurts. It's not like a leaf that just falls off the tree, its a branch that has been snapped.

Then we have our roots. Roots are the best. These are the true friends you make. These are the only group of people you'll meet that have impact for a lifetime, all else only last for seasons. Branches and leaves for instance. However, the roots lay at the bottom of the tree, they are the foundation, and you just know they will be there through thick and thin, you just know that they are there for you when in times of trouble, you just know that they got your back on anything. To put it simply, they last a lifetime. Which means a lot. No matter what, even in the most intense of arguments, you'll never lose each other. You could even apply roots to certain family members as well. And honestly, you're lucky when you have at least 3 roots (friendship wise, not family wise). And I feel blessed, that I have about 6.

The whole reason I'm posting this is because lately at college I've been struggling with making a group of friends, but honestly, that's alright with me. God didn't predestine it. God didn't have it that way for me here, at least not yet. And I should be blessed that back in my home area, I have many many friends, and that I have a few true friends. I know I'm not alone at heart. I'd also like to add that we must learn to be careful of who we identify as branches and roots. It can be difficult. When you truly lose a friend that you thought was close, remember, it might have only been a branch. The roots you have, whomever they may be, will always keep you going through it.

This girl...

The name of this girl that has been on my mind this past year will be unknown for purposes of privacy. I just have this urge to express this "love" that I think I have for her in particular. She made me smile when I was down. She made me happy when I felt sad. She made me laugh when I was in a state of apathy. She made me feel close to her even when we only knew each other for a week. She made me, for the first time, ever feel like I wanted a relationship. At that point in my life when I met her, I was overcoming depression, I was overcoming drugs and alcohol, and most importantly, I had become a Christian. The experience of Christianity, brought a new life in me, however, the old life had not yet vanished completely as I had thought it did (this was shown a year after my conversion to Christ when I slipped severely). Anyways, I was in a state of confusion, and uncertainty with what exactly I wanted in life. This led me to never ask this girl out, and for that, I have regret. It gets deeper. If I were to have led a life as a Christian as I should have, I would be with her. I know its crazy to predict such a thing, but looking back, its absolutely true, and the consequence of living secularly (as I put it) results. Unfortunately, it gets worse, I can't communicate with this girl any more, I can't get a hold of her, she has no facebook (yes, surprisingly), she has no myspace, she has no cell number as far as I'm aware of. It's terrible.

I'm going to briefly get into why I say if I had remained a Christian why I would know her still. Back when I lost the faith, I was partying again with some new peers I met through an older friend. During this time, we were still communicating via cell phone whether it was talking or texting. I never chose to see her because I would rather get drunk or high then to go down and visit with her where she lives. So eventually as time went by, we lost each other. After I came back to my senses as a Christian again, she popped in my mind again although this time it was too late, I can't reach her. What's worse now is those "friends" I thought I had turned out to not even be true. They are as fake as they come. Nothing but greedy, rude, and disrespectful towards you. So now I am at a complete loss with nothing but her on my mind. For those that pray, please pray that she is part of fate in my life and that we will get together at some point in history. Thanks for reading.

What a month...

I've been running through a valley of ups and downs this past month. Its been crazy. The past 2 blogs I wrote were of depression and stress. This blog is going to be about everything. With exams approaching, break coming up, life progessing, and most importantly, my walk with Christ. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Honestly, I miss some old friends of mine, and I really wish I had a girlfriend for some reason. This has been on my mind so badly. I feel like it would help my self-esteem, if only I had a higher self-esteem, I would be such a cool person, but because of my low self-esteem, the creation of an unapproachable person has formed. I walk around and reminisce about what COULD happen, but never act on what I WANT to happen. I'm not unattractive, I'm not a mean person, I'm interesting enough, I'm a Christian, I'm intelligent, I mean I can create a list of so many positive attributes. So it must be because of my approach, or first impression. Girls probably look right through me. I've been in so many situations with girls in the past, I've messed up possible relationships, I've been afraid to commit, some I didn't find attractive but they liked me, some I was too shy to approach, and of course the classic, I've been turned down. I just don't know what to do, I'm afraid that I will be single all my life. But I don't want that, I want a girlfriend that I can call my best friend, and that I can talk to, and that I know I want to get married to, and have kids with etc. I just want a family. I know I have a few years, but my goal is that BY senior year of college, I will have a girlfriend, so that when I graduate, we can get married, and then of course I'll get a job, she'll have a job, we'll wait a couple years and have our first kid. I know it sounds like a fantasy, but it is some peoples' realities, and I want it to be mine. With the holidays approaching I think about coming home to my family after work, my wife baking cookies, my kids annoying me about what gifts they want for Christmas, and then just spending time reading the Bible, watching TV together, worshipping God, eating dinner as a family, etc. Anyone reading this, please pray that this is ordained in my life, and that this happens for me, and that when I'm 22, I'll be married to the girl of my dreams. I trust God will lead me into this.

On top of that on my mind, I've been thinking about college, and how the next few years are going to be crazy. I'm worried I won't be able to do all the work, I'm afraid that I won't pass some courses, I'm afraid I won't achieve a 2.70 GPA requirement to get into the major of Accounting. and then what? I mean I'm smart, but what if I just CAN'T understand something, what if my mind reaches a limit on a subject in particular. What am I suppose to do? Please pray for me about this. Please keep praying that God blesses all my semesters at college, first semester was great, currently all A's! I praise God for that.

Last but DEFINITELY not least, I'm having spiritual struggles. Some days, I feel so unholy, so unchristian, so disgusting in my faith. I feel like I'm the one saying, 'Lord, Lord' that Jesus said wouldn't enter Heaven. Then other moments, I feel very Christian, and loving. Its like I know I'm saved, and it hurts me when I'm disobedient to God, and when I'm not acting Christlike. I'm around so many sinners, friends or not, and I pick up bad habits. I struggled with that issue during my senior year of high school. I'm afraid what if that happens again?? I can't let that happen. I won't. The problem I'm having though is, lets say I do restrain, but isn't having a desire to do the same as actually doing it?? It really makes me worry. Don't get me wrong, usually I don't have the desire, but every now and then, it creeps on me. Its like a burning feeling, being sanctified is hard when sin is present. Satan needs to go bother someone else, hes trying to snatch me away from God, but I know that Jesus told us that no one can snatch me out of His hands, and I believe Him. So I have faith that no matter what, He will persevere me. I didn't have faith before that I would be renewed again, but God did it. Then again, I wasn't a Calvinist then either lol. I have a saving faith, I know I do. Its just, not always representing it like I should be. I believe that getting settled with a family, especially a Christian one, it'll be the most positive thing for me.

Please keep me in your prayers, anyone that reads this. Thank you. God Bless.

Walk by faith, not by sight

Writing helps me vent. It allows me to relax my mind when its stressing. I know this last blog I wrote wasn't a good one emotionally. That night was depressing. This night is more stressful for me. I have so much going on right now. The other night I was sad because it was evident that I felt lonely. This night I'm just stressed, I'm worried about Christina and Amber, and their family. I'm worried about college work. I'm worried about my grandmom. I'm worried about falling into sin again which was one of my most scariest moments as a Christian. I'm also worried about my brother (Where is he, whats he doing, even worse, is he dead?) I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I put the weight of the world on my shoulders, I need to give it to Jesus. I'm not God, far from it, and sometimes I attempt to help more than I can handle...Or maybe I just need more prayer. I really don't even know at the moment.

A lot of these old friends, I miss them in the back of my mind. I also extremely don't. When I see pictures of us all...it makes me so upset. One that I even hung out with them at all in the first place, when I had turned my life to Jesus Christ before that...and secondly, that I've abandoned them all without any mention. Sometimes, I wonder...what exactly is God's plan for me? I know I'm in no authority to ask. Its whatever He wants it to be truthfully. I just wish I knew it was going to turn out alright. Because right now...it feels hopeless.

Like I said in the last blog, I'm lonely. I have no friends, I have nothing except Jesus Christ which I know, He should be everything anyways. It would just be nice to have people in my life to help me with my walk by faith. This leads me into something awesome that happened yesterday. While I was at the DVD rental store on campus, I had picked up this movie and read the description on the back, (I forgot what movie it was), but within the description it had said, "Walk by faith, not by sight" this stuck in my mind for some reason. I then ended up watching two completely different movies from the one that I had picked up. One was the Rundown, and the other was The Book of Eli, both are not Christian movies, The Book of Eli is kinda Christian, but not entirely. Anyways, in both movies, it was said, "walk by faith, not by sight"! I dropped my jaw when I heard this in the second movie, I was already pondering the statement when I heard it the first time, because I had remembered reading it earlier that day...

Anyways, this statement, Walk by Faith, not by sight, is clearly valid to me right now, considering I need to. It will help my worries drain away. It will help me not to care what comes next, as long as I am walking by Faith. Its also scriptural, its in 2 Corinthians 5:7...Praise God for his messages to us. Amen.

So what exactly is going on?

These past few days, I've not been feeling so great for some reason. Mentally, and even physically. A few years ago I use to suffer with depression, I was on medication, and worst of all, I wasn't even saved. So I didn't even have Jesus, or at least wasn't aware that He was there. God has brought me off of the medicine, and taken me to a place, spiritually, where I can usually feel happ'ier' that ever before. Even with dealing with my own personal conflicts, family, old peers, current friends, stress with college work, etc. I still don't need my medicine, I usually suck it up, pray, and I feel fine. Its just becoming annoying on these kind of nights. I have no friends, I have no one really to talk to, I can't call really anyone but Christina or Amber, and I'm sure they don't want me bothering them every single night (Even though typically I do, which is why I think arguments form, which can be avoided if I just had some people in my life) and if it wasn't for Jesus, I'd probably mope in my dorm room all day, and barely get through my school work, and I hate to say it, but I'd probably wouldn't even be in college in the first place without Him.

While reading this, whomever that may be, your probably going to say, "Well where are your friends at" and honestly, If you read my 'about me' next to my picture, it was said that I have been saved since 2008. Thats a couple years now, more actually. Heres the problem, When I became a new convert, I was coming out of some history I don't even want to go into. After a year of a strong love for Jesus, I was also trying to help my friend, Elliott. He was sick of living with his mom and CJ (step dad). So I went through Guidance, and pulled some strings...and well he got out of there, and moved in with his grandparents. Who would of thought, that what I did, led me back into the sin I left! It was ridiculous. The first few months when I was hanging out with him, and the people over in that area, almost every night that I would commit sin, I would feel this strong conviction. I ignored it. After awhile, when you ignore conviction, eventually you don't have that conviction anymore. Don't get me wrong, in my heart I still loved Jesus, I would look back and say, 'What happened to me' I was a good Christian, and now I'm a terrible one. Even every now and then I would pray in tough situations (Yes, I know thats wrong).

Anyways, this past month, God grabbed me out of it all. I believe that by getting a second chance at this college, that was all the Lord. It was his plan to get me out of such a bad situation for myself. Now it was just my part to ignore the calls, easy enough right? I wish...They still try to communicate with me, and don't get me wrong, I became close with these people, they weren't so 'bad' from the human perspective, but terrible in God's perspective. This being the case, I abandoned them for Jesus. It was a huge thing for me to do. They would talk about how we need to stay in touch when I go off to school, and how I'm a 'bro' to them and all that junk...It hurts me as much as I feel great that I don't associate with them. It's gonna take time to move them out of my mind completely. Its hard, it really is. He knows it is too. So this is the reason I have no friends right now. I've became closer with Jesus, and hopefully I make Christian friends while at school...I can only pray.

Lastly, just this year, my grandfather died. I really wish I could talk to him right now. Because of these 'friends' I didn't see him on the last day of his life. I chose not to go see him, not knowing he would die that evening...I want to be able to call him, I want him to see my campus, and to tell him how well I'm doing in school and I can't. I miss him, and Jesus knows. This depression is awful, its a disease, that only God can cure. Even while on meds, I would have bad days, but with Jesus there are no bad days, just bad moments here and there, that I believe Jesus will cure completely.

Anyways, as you can tell, I'm depressed, stressed, and lonely. But I don't want to be, I pray, and I pray, and I know Jesus is there. Its just hard sometimes...like tonight. Whoever reads this, please pray for me. It would be much appreciated.