Writing helps me vent. It allows me to relax my mind when its stressing. I know this last blog I wrote wasn't a good one emotionally. That night was depressing. This night is more stressful for me. I have so much going on right now. The other night I was sad because it was evident that I felt lonely. This night I'm just stressed, I'm worried about Christina and Amber, and their family. I'm worried about college work. I'm worried about my grandmom. I'm worried about falling into sin again which was one of my most scariest moments as a Christian. I'm also worried about my brother (Where is he, whats he doing, even worse, is he dead?) I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I put the weight of the world on my shoulders, I need to give it to Jesus. I'm not God, far from it, and sometimes I attempt to help more than I can handle...Or maybe I just need more prayer. I really don't even know at the moment.
A lot of these old friends, I miss them in the back of my mind. I also extremely don't. When I see pictures of us all...it makes me so upset. One that I even hung out with them at all in the first place, when I had turned my life to Jesus Christ before that...and secondly, that I've abandoned them all without any mention. Sometimes, I wonder...what exactly is God's plan for me? I know I'm in no authority to ask. Its whatever He wants it to be truthfully. I just wish I knew it was going to turn out alright. Because right now...it feels hopeless.
Like I said in the last blog, I'm lonely. I have no friends, I have nothing except Jesus Christ which I know, He should be everything anyways. It would just be nice to have people in my life to help me with my walk by faith. This leads me into something awesome that happened yesterday. While I was at the DVD rental store on campus, I had picked up this movie and read the description on the back, (I forgot what movie it was), but within the description it had said, "Walk by faith, not by sight" this stuck in my mind for some reason. I then ended up watching two completely different movies from the one that I had picked up. One was the Rundown, and the other was The Book of Eli, both are not Christian movies, The Book of Eli is kinda Christian, but not entirely. Anyways, in both movies, it was said, "walk by faith, not by sight"! I dropped my jaw when I heard this in the second movie, I was already pondering the statement when I heard it the first time, because I had remembered reading it earlier that day...
Anyways, this statement, Walk by Faith, not by sight, is clearly valid to me right now, considering I need to. It will help my worries drain away. It will help me not to care what comes next, as long as I am walking by Faith. Its also scriptural, its in 2 Corinthians 5:7...Praise God for his messages to us. Amen.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
So what exactly is going on?
These past few days, I've not been feeling so great for some reason. Mentally, and even physically. A few years ago I use to suffer with depression, I was on medication, and worst of all, I wasn't even saved. So I didn't even have Jesus, or at least wasn't aware that He was there. God has brought me off of the medicine, and taken me to a place, spiritually, where I can usually feel happ'ier' that ever before. Even with dealing with my own personal conflicts, family, old peers, current friends, stress with college work, etc. I still don't need my medicine, I usually suck it up, pray, and I feel fine. Its just becoming annoying on these kind of nights. I have no friends, I have no one really to talk to, I can't call really anyone but Christina or Amber, and I'm sure they don't want me bothering them every single night (Even though typically I do, which is why I think arguments form, which can be avoided if I just had some people in my life) and if it wasn't for Jesus, I'd probably mope in my dorm room all day, and barely get through my school work, and I hate to say it, but I'd probably wouldn't even be in college in the first place without Him.
While reading this, whomever that may be, your probably going to say, "Well where are your friends at" and honestly, If you read my 'about me' next to my picture, it was said that I have been saved since 2008. Thats a couple years now, more actually. Heres the problem, When I became a new convert, I was coming out of some history I don't even want to go into. After a year of a strong love for Jesus, I was also trying to help my friend, Elliott. He was sick of living with his mom and CJ (step dad). So I went through Guidance, and pulled some strings...and well he got out of there, and moved in with his grandparents. Who would of thought, that what I did, led me back into the sin I left! It was ridiculous. The first few months when I was hanging out with him, and the people over in that area, almost every night that I would commit sin, I would feel this strong conviction. I ignored it. After awhile, when you ignore conviction, eventually you don't have that conviction anymore. Don't get me wrong, in my heart I still loved Jesus, I would look back and say, 'What happened to me' I was a good Christian, and now I'm a terrible one. Even every now and then I would pray in tough situations (Yes, I know thats wrong).
Anyways, this past month, God grabbed me out of it all. I believe that by getting a second chance at this college, that was all the Lord. It was his plan to get me out of such a bad situation for myself. Now it was just my part to ignore the calls, easy enough right? I wish...They still try to communicate with me, and don't get me wrong, I became close with these people, they weren't so 'bad' from the human perspective, but terrible in God's perspective. This being the case, I abandoned them for Jesus. It was a huge thing for me to do. They would talk about how we need to stay in touch when I go off to school, and how I'm a 'bro' to them and all that junk...It hurts me as much as I feel great that I don't associate with them. It's gonna take time to move them out of my mind completely. Its hard, it really is. He knows it is too. So this is the reason I have no friends right now. I've became closer with Jesus, and hopefully I make Christian friends while at school...I can only pray.
Lastly, just this year, my grandfather died. I really wish I could talk to him right now. Because of these 'friends' I didn't see him on the last day of his life. I chose not to go see him, not knowing he would die that evening...I want to be able to call him, I want him to see my campus, and to tell him how well I'm doing in school and I can't. I miss him, and Jesus knows. This depression is awful, its a disease, that only God can cure. Even while on meds, I would have bad days, but with Jesus there are no bad days, just bad moments here and there, that I believe Jesus will cure completely.
Anyways, as you can tell, I'm depressed, stressed, and lonely. But I don't want to be, I pray, and I pray, and I know Jesus is there. Its just hard sometimes...like tonight. Whoever reads this, please pray for me. It would be much appreciated.
While reading this, whomever that may be, your probably going to say, "Well where are your friends at" and honestly, If you read my 'about me' next to my picture, it was said that I have been saved since 2008. Thats a couple years now, more actually. Heres the problem, When I became a new convert, I was coming out of some history I don't even want to go into. After a year of a strong love for Jesus, I was also trying to help my friend, Elliott. He was sick of living with his mom and CJ (step dad). So I went through Guidance, and pulled some strings...and well he got out of there, and moved in with his grandparents. Who would of thought, that what I did, led me back into the sin I left! It was ridiculous. The first few months when I was hanging out with him, and the people over in that area, almost every night that I would commit sin, I would feel this strong conviction. I ignored it. After awhile, when you ignore conviction, eventually you don't have that conviction anymore. Don't get me wrong, in my heart I still loved Jesus, I would look back and say, 'What happened to me' I was a good Christian, and now I'm a terrible one. Even every now and then I would pray in tough situations (Yes, I know thats wrong).
Anyways, this past month, God grabbed me out of it all. I believe that by getting a second chance at this college, that was all the Lord. It was his plan to get me out of such a bad situation for myself. Now it was just my part to ignore the calls, easy enough right? I wish...They still try to communicate with me, and don't get me wrong, I became close with these people, they weren't so 'bad' from the human perspective, but terrible in God's perspective. This being the case, I abandoned them for Jesus. It was a huge thing for me to do. They would talk about how we need to stay in touch when I go off to school, and how I'm a 'bro' to them and all that junk...It hurts me as much as I feel great that I don't associate with them. It's gonna take time to move them out of my mind completely. Its hard, it really is. He knows it is too. So this is the reason I have no friends right now. I've became closer with Jesus, and hopefully I make Christian friends while at school...I can only pray.
Lastly, just this year, my grandfather died. I really wish I could talk to him right now. Because of these 'friends' I didn't see him on the last day of his life. I chose not to go see him, not knowing he would die that evening...I want to be able to call him, I want him to see my campus, and to tell him how well I'm doing in school and I can't. I miss him, and Jesus knows. This depression is awful, its a disease, that only God can cure. Even while on meds, I would have bad days, but with Jesus there are no bad days, just bad moments here and there, that I believe Jesus will cure completely.
Anyways, as you can tell, I'm depressed, stressed, and lonely. But I don't want to be, I pray, and I pray, and I know Jesus is there. Its just hard sometimes...like tonight. Whoever reads this, please pray for me. It would be much appreciated.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Jesus loves you
As time passes by
My heart only wishes not to speak another lie
Sin is present all around me
Satan is most definitely my worst enemy
he trys to enter a spirit of perverseness
he trys to corrupt my spirit of lovingness
he succeeds at birth
but God chooses me so I can be of worth
This worth is incredible
my desire now is to only read the bible
but he still brings guilt within my conscience
And I repent in an instance
Although he can be persistent
God is brilliant
I pray for the strength to resist temptation
I realize its not gonna be easy just because I'm a Christian.
Please watch over me Jesus
You keep me out of darkness
And with your blood
I am forgiven for being once wicked. Amen
(Just so you know I wrote this, I was thinking about some stuff going on currently, and it gave me inspiration to want to write this) Hope you liked it. I thought it was pretty decent.
My heart only wishes not to speak another lie
Sin is present all around me
Satan is most definitely my worst enemy
he trys to enter a spirit of perverseness
he trys to corrupt my spirit of lovingness
he succeeds at birth
but God chooses me so I can be of worth
This worth is incredible
my desire now is to only read the bible
but he still brings guilt within my conscience
And I repent in an instance
Although he can be persistent
God is brilliant
I pray for the strength to resist temptation
I realize its not gonna be easy just because I'm a Christian.
Please watch over me Jesus
You keep me out of darkness
And with your blood
I am forgiven for being once wicked. Amen
(Just so you know I wrote this, I was thinking about some stuff going on currently, and it gave me inspiration to want to write this) Hope you liked it. I thought it was pretty decent.
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