What a month...

I've been running through a valley of ups and downs this past month. Its been crazy. The past 2 blogs I wrote were of depression and stress. This blog is going to be about everything. With exams approaching, break coming up, life progessing, and most importantly, my walk with Christ. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Honestly, I miss some old friends of mine, and I really wish I had a girlfriend for some reason. This has been on my mind so badly. I feel like it would help my self-esteem, if only I had a higher self-esteem, I would be such a cool person, but because of my low self-esteem, the creation of an unapproachable person has formed. I walk around and reminisce about what COULD happen, but never act on what I WANT to happen. I'm not unattractive, I'm not a mean person, I'm interesting enough, I'm a Christian, I'm intelligent, I mean I can create a list of so many positive attributes. So it must be because of my approach, or first impression. Girls probably look right through me. I've been in so many situations with girls in the past, I've messed up possible relationships, I've been afraid to commit, some I didn't find attractive but they liked me, some I was too shy to approach, and of course the classic, I've been turned down. I just don't know what to do, I'm afraid that I will be single all my life. But I don't want that, I want a girlfriend that I can call my best friend, and that I can talk to, and that I know I want to get married to, and have kids with etc. I just want a family. I know I have a few years, but my goal is that BY senior year of college, I will have a girlfriend, so that when I graduate, we can get married, and then of course I'll get a job, she'll have a job, we'll wait a couple years and have our first kid. I know it sounds like a fantasy, but it is some peoples' realities, and I want it to be mine. With the holidays approaching I think about coming home to my family after work, my wife baking cookies, my kids annoying me about what gifts they want for Christmas, and then just spending time reading the Bible, watching TV together, worshipping God, eating dinner as a family, etc. Anyone reading this, please pray that this is ordained in my life, and that this happens for me, and that when I'm 22, I'll be married to the girl of my dreams. I trust God will lead me into this.

On top of that on my mind, I've been thinking about college, and how the next few years are going to be crazy. I'm worried I won't be able to do all the work, I'm afraid that I won't pass some courses, I'm afraid I won't achieve a 2.70 GPA requirement to get into the major of Accounting. and then what? I mean I'm smart, but what if I just CAN'T understand something, what if my mind reaches a limit on a subject in particular. What am I suppose to do? Please pray for me about this. Please keep praying that God blesses all my semesters at college, first semester was great, currently all A's! I praise God for that.

Last but DEFINITELY not least, I'm having spiritual struggles. Some days, I feel so unholy, so unchristian, so disgusting in my faith. I feel like I'm the one saying, 'Lord, Lord' that Jesus said wouldn't enter Heaven. Then other moments, I feel very Christian, and loving. Its like I know I'm saved, and it hurts me when I'm disobedient to God, and when I'm not acting Christlike. I'm around so many sinners, friends or not, and I pick up bad habits. I struggled with that issue during my senior year of high school. I'm afraid what if that happens again?? I can't let that happen. I won't. The problem I'm having though is, lets say I do restrain, but isn't having a desire to do the same as actually doing it?? It really makes me worry. Don't get me wrong, usually I don't have the desire, but every now and then, it creeps on me. Its like a burning feeling, being sanctified is hard when sin is present. Satan needs to go bother someone else, hes trying to snatch me away from God, but I know that Jesus told us that no one can snatch me out of His hands, and I believe Him. So I have faith that no matter what, He will persevere me. I didn't have faith before that I would be renewed again, but God did it. Then again, I wasn't a Calvinist then either lol. I have a saving faith, I know I do. Its just, not always representing it like I should be. I believe that getting settled with a family, especially a Christian one, it'll be the most positive thing for me.

Please keep me in your prayers, anyone that reads this. Thank you. God Bless.