What a month...

I've been running through a valley of ups and downs this past month. Its been crazy. The past 2 blogs I wrote were of depression and stress. This blog is going to be about everything. With exams approaching, break coming up, life progessing, and most importantly, my walk with Christ. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Honestly, I miss some old friends of mine, and I really wish I had a girlfriend for some reason. This has been on my mind so badly. I feel like it would help my self-esteem, if only I had a higher self-esteem, I would be such a cool person, but because of my low self-esteem, the creation of an unapproachable person has formed. I walk around and reminisce about what COULD happen, but never act on what I WANT to happen. I'm not unattractive, I'm not a mean person, I'm interesting enough, I'm a Christian, I'm intelligent, I mean I can create a list of so many positive attributes. So it must be because of my approach, or first impression. Girls probably look right through me. I've been in so many situations with girls in the past, I've messed up possible relationships, I've been afraid to commit, some I didn't find attractive but they liked me, some I was too shy to approach, and of course the classic, I've been turned down. I just don't know what to do, I'm afraid that I will be single all my life. But I don't want that, I want a girlfriend that I can call my best friend, and that I can talk to, and that I know I want to get married to, and have kids with etc. I just want a family. I know I have a few years, but my goal is that BY senior year of college, I will have a girlfriend, so that when I graduate, we can get married, and then of course I'll get a job, she'll have a job, we'll wait a couple years and have our first kid. I know it sounds like a fantasy, but it is some peoples' realities, and I want it to be mine. With the holidays approaching I think about coming home to my family after work, my wife baking cookies, my kids annoying me about what gifts they want for Christmas, and then just spending time reading the Bible, watching TV together, worshipping God, eating dinner as a family, etc. Anyone reading this, please pray that this is ordained in my life, and that this happens for me, and that when I'm 22, I'll be married to the girl of my dreams. I trust God will lead me into this.

On top of that on my mind, I've been thinking about college, and how the next few years are going to be crazy. I'm worried I won't be able to do all the work, I'm afraid that I won't pass some courses, I'm afraid I won't achieve a 2.70 GPA requirement to get into the major of Accounting. and then what? I mean I'm smart, but what if I just CAN'T understand something, what if my mind reaches a limit on a subject in particular. What am I suppose to do? Please pray for me about this. Please keep praying that God blesses all my semesters at college, first semester was great, currently all A's! I praise God for that.

Last but DEFINITELY not least, I'm having spiritual struggles. Some days, I feel so unholy, so unchristian, so disgusting in my faith. I feel like I'm the one saying, 'Lord, Lord' that Jesus said wouldn't enter Heaven. Then other moments, I feel very Christian, and loving. Its like I know I'm saved, and it hurts me when I'm disobedient to God, and when I'm not acting Christlike. I'm around so many sinners, friends or not, and I pick up bad habits. I struggled with that issue during my senior year of high school. I'm afraid what if that happens again?? I can't let that happen. I won't. The problem I'm having though is, lets say I do restrain, but isn't having a desire to do the same as actually doing it?? It really makes me worry. Don't get me wrong, usually I don't have the desire, but every now and then, it creeps on me. Its like a burning feeling, being sanctified is hard when sin is present. Satan needs to go bother someone else, hes trying to snatch me away from God, but I know that Jesus told us that no one can snatch me out of His hands, and I believe Him. So I have faith that no matter what, He will persevere me. I didn't have faith before that I would be renewed again, but God did it. Then again, I wasn't a Calvinist then either lol. I have a saving faith, I know I do. Its just, not always representing it like I should be. I believe that getting settled with a family, especially a Christian one, it'll be the most positive thing for me.

Please keep me in your prayers, anyone that reads this. Thank you. God Bless.

Walk by faith, not by sight

Writing helps me vent. It allows me to relax my mind when its stressing. I know this last blog I wrote wasn't a good one emotionally. That night was depressing. This night is more stressful for me. I have so much going on right now. The other night I was sad because it was evident that I felt lonely. This night I'm just stressed, I'm worried about Christina and Amber, and their family. I'm worried about college work. I'm worried about my grandmom. I'm worried about falling into sin again which was one of my most scariest moments as a Christian. I'm also worried about my brother (Where is he, whats he doing, even worse, is he dead?) I don't know what to do sometimes. I feel like I put the weight of the world on my shoulders, I need to give it to Jesus. I'm not God, far from it, and sometimes I attempt to help more than I can handle...Or maybe I just need more prayer. I really don't even know at the moment.

A lot of these old friends, I miss them in the back of my mind. I also extremely don't. When I see pictures of us all...it makes me so upset. One that I even hung out with them at all in the first place, when I had turned my life to Jesus Christ before that...and secondly, that I've abandoned them all without any mention. Sometimes, I wonder...what exactly is God's plan for me? I know I'm in no authority to ask. Its whatever He wants it to be truthfully. I just wish I knew it was going to turn out alright. Because right now...it feels hopeless.

Like I said in the last blog, I'm lonely. I have no friends, I have nothing except Jesus Christ which I know, He should be everything anyways. It would just be nice to have people in my life to help me with my walk by faith. This leads me into something awesome that happened yesterday. While I was at the DVD rental store on campus, I had picked up this movie and read the description on the back, (I forgot what movie it was), but within the description it had said, "Walk by faith, not by sight" this stuck in my mind for some reason. I then ended up watching two completely different movies from the one that I had picked up. One was the Rundown, and the other was The Book of Eli, both are not Christian movies, The Book of Eli is kinda Christian, but not entirely. Anyways, in both movies, it was said, "walk by faith, not by sight"! I dropped my jaw when I heard this in the second movie, I was already pondering the statement when I heard it the first time, because I had remembered reading it earlier that day...

Anyways, this statement, Walk by Faith, not by sight, is clearly valid to me right now, considering I need to. It will help my worries drain away. It will help me not to care what comes next, as long as I am walking by Faith. Its also scriptural, its in 2 Corinthians 5:7...Praise God for his messages to us. Amen.

So what exactly is going on?

These past few days, I've not been feeling so great for some reason. Mentally, and even physically. A few years ago I use to suffer with depression, I was on medication, and worst of all, I wasn't even saved. So I didn't even have Jesus, or at least wasn't aware that He was there. God has brought me off of the medicine, and taken me to a place, spiritually, where I can usually feel happ'ier' that ever before. Even with dealing with my own personal conflicts, family, old peers, current friends, stress with college work, etc. I still don't need my medicine, I usually suck it up, pray, and I feel fine. Its just becoming annoying on these kind of nights. I have no friends, I have no one really to talk to, I can't call really anyone but Christina or Amber, and I'm sure they don't want me bothering them every single night (Even though typically I do, which is why I think arguments form, which can be avoided if I just had some people in my life) and if it wasn't for Jesus, I'd probably mope in my dorm room all day, and barely get through my school work, and I hate to say it, but I'd probably wouldn't even be in college in the first place without Him.

While reading this, whomever that may be, your probably going to say, "Well where are your friends at" and honestly, If you read my 'about me' next to my picture, it was said that I have been saved since 2008. Thats a couple years now, more actually. Heres the problem, When I became a new convert, I was coming out of some history I don't even want to go into. After a year of a strong love for Jesus, I was also trying to help my friend, Elliott. He was sick of living with his mom and CJ (step dad). So I went through Guidance, and pulled some strings...and well he got out of there, and moved in with his grandparents. Who would of thought, that what I did, led me back into the sin I left! It was ridiculous. The first few months when I was hanging out with him, and the people over in that area, almost every night that I would commit sin, I would feel this strong conviction. I ignored it. After awhile, when you ignore conviction, eventually you don't have that conviction anymore. Don't get me wrong, in my heart I still loved Jesus, I would look back and say, 'What happened to me' I was a good Christian, and now I'm a terrible one. Even every now and then I would pray in tough situations (Yes, I know thats wrong).

Anyways, this past month, God grabbed me out of it all. I believe that by getting a second chance at this college, that was all the Lord. It was his plan to get me out of such a bad situation for myself. Now it was just my part to ignore the calls, easy enough right? I wish...They still try to communicate with me, and don't get me wrong, I became close with these people, they weren't so 'bad' from the human perspective, but terrible in God's perspective. This being the case, I abandoned them for Jesus. It was a huge thing for me to do. They would talk about how we need to stay in touch when I go off to school, and how I'm a 'bro' to them and all that junk...It hurts me as much as I feel great that I don't associate with them. It's gonna take time to move them out of my mind completely. Its hard, it really is. He knows it is too. So this is the reason I have no friends right now. I've became closer with Jesus, and hopefully I make Christian friends while at school...I can only pray.

Lastly, just this year, my grandfather died. I really wish I could talk to him right now. Because of these 'friends' I didn't see him on the last day of his life. I chose not to go see him, not knowing he would die that evening...I want to be able to call him, I want him to see my campus, and to tell him how well I'm doing in school and I can't. I miss him, and Jesus knows. This depression is awful, its a disease, that only God can cure. Even while on meds, I would have bad days, but with Jesus there are no bad days, just bad moments here and there, that I believe Jesus will cure completely.

Anyways, as you can tell, I'm depressed, stressed, and lonely. But I don't want to be, I pray, and I pray, and I know Jesus is there. Its just hard sometimes...like tonight. Whoever reads this, please pray for me. It would be much appreciated.

Jesus loves you

As time passes by
My heart only wishes not to speak another lie
Sin is present all around me
Satan is most definitely my worst enemy

he trys to enter a spirit of perverseness
he trys to corrupt my spirit of lovingness
he succeeds at birth
but God chooses me so I can be of worth

This worth is incredible
my desire now is to only read the bible
but he still brings guilt within my conscience
And I repent in an instance

Although he can be persistent
God is brilliant
I pray for the strength to resist temptation
I realize its not gonna be easy just because I'm a Christian.

Please watch over me Jesus
You keep me out of darkness
And with your blood
I am forgiven for being once wicked. Amen


(Just so you know I wrote this, I was thinking about some stuff going on currently, and it gave me inspiration to want to write this) Hope you liked it. I thought it was pretty decent.

Calvinism vs. Arminianism

For the last couple weeks or so, I have been investigating my view of salvation. Both Calvinism and Arminianism are both very interesting views. I'm not hating on either one, and you'll come to see that in this blog I am leaning into Calvinism. I'm getting a couple books in the mail, one is called The five dilemmas of Calvinism, and the other is by Spurgeon, called a Defense of Calvinism. I have been doing my own research of both views, I have read many things online, specifically google books (that site is awesome), however, I've come to understand that Calvinism is based on scripture alone. As a Christian, that is what I believe to be solely important. Not beliefs created from the Church, or people that like to misinterpret without analyzing the Bible as a whole. I call it, "seeing the big picture", and Calvinism does that. The TULIP, are the five points summed up. Total Depravity (man is completely depraved, we are incapable of choosing God). Unconditional Election (God chooses an elect of people, not everyone will be chosen, and he foreknows whom will be chosen). Limited Atonement (Jesus only died for the elect, not everyone). Irrestible Grace (God's grace cannot be resisted, once saved), and lastly, Perservance of the Saints (pretty much once saved, you will result in being saved, and you may fall, but you will return). If any of these points baffle you as a Christian, I can show you several scriptures to defend every one of these points. I'm not saying you need to be a Calvinist if you truly feel that Arminianism is right. And my small definitions of each point is nothing to what I have read on every subject. Just wanted to share this.

+ God Bless +

I've had enough of this crap.

Ok, for those who read my last blog, you should know I believe in God, Jesus Christ to be even more precise. I've been doing a bunch of reading online, just trying to do my best to prove His existence. And then I come across such things like, "Evolution has much more overwhelming evidence than Creationism", I mean personally I disagree, but then I read things and reading can be both good and bad, because I come across stuff that I don't like to read because I can be very open-minded and if it sounds legit, I'm gonna consider the facts. Usually I go to answersingenesis.org, because they typically know how to answer statements such as that. It really bothers me though. I feel like as much as Evolutionists say Creationists are blind scientists, we could really say the same thing about Evolutionists. But Evolutionists just automatically come to the conclusion that Creationists have no scientific support, which is completely not true.

Next thing I came across was the whole carbon dating process, Ok, this is crazy there are so many views on Carbon dating, and it bothers me to see that some scientists think its very much accurate and only off by a little bit, however, its comforting to see that some scientists believe its very flawed, and that the fact that its off at all shows it cannot be trusted. What to believe though? Yes, as a Christian, I believe it is flawed. However, I was talking with my dad, he believes in Evolution, and he said that the evidence for it is much higher than that of Creationism he said that its not far off from being a fact. The issue is he is really smart, and hes been looking into Evolutionism and Creationism for the last 35 years....so I can't really argue with him, especially when he says that he went through the same thing I did, and I don't want to be seperated from God when I'm his age if I read the same stuff he did. This scares me a lot. Like I truly believe in Jesus, however, I just don't know with this science crap. Science is so annoying sometimes. Especially when there are 2 views in it. And all the secular scientists, try to put it out there as though they are so certain that all their discoveries are facts, and that Creationists constantly use the same argument, and that we can only discredit them, but we can't completely prove our reasoning. From what I been reading, I think Creationism has more evidence than people realize. If anyone reads this blog, Christina, you included, show me some answers you have read. My own research isn't gonna be enough truthfully. And of course I'm gonna pray that Jesus shows me the answers to such secular views.

I'm really going insane here, pulling out my hair pretty much. I'm already believing based on Faith primarily, do I have to deal with all this extra? I'm gonna start saying, I believe because I have faith(Period). No more of this crap. Because clearly, it doesn't help obviously to show any evidence because someone of the atheist view will just show me something else to try to disclaim it and it goes back and forth. The other night I got into a debate with an atheist friend of mine and I was saying so much valid statements but I just was like talking to wall and he basically kept repeating himself like he just wasn't getting what I was saying to him. I was getting so furious. I get to the point where I'm just like "I give up" *sigh*..I know what I believe and I know I'm saved...and I tried....but....obviously no good.

PRAYERS PRAYERS PRAYERS please....

I'm back and feeling good.

Wow, its been a minute since I've written a blog on here. Well, I know my last blog wasn't so pleasant, and I'm sure I got a lot prayers from those Christian viewers out there. Prayers have been answered. I went down a road of darkness again. It was pretty scary actually.

But honestly, I've been thinking about it and I think it was all apart of God's plan for me. Before you say I'm crazy, let me explain. I'm not saying He wanted me to commit the sins that I did, however, I realized that after that struggle it actually strengthened me, it gave me a different view of the Christian perspective. I think I was too much of a judgemental Christian, and I think I was a bit of a hypocrite that Jesus did not like. I was reading my blogs and the way I sounded against other people and Christians was awful, and yes, no doubt, I clearly was a hardcore Christian, but I think a bit too hardcore. This fall that I went through, it actually showed me that being a Christian isn't about smacking people in the face for doing wrong, its about being there for those who fall, because every Christian does, and it also showed me that I am saved for sure. It gave me reassurance, because the fact that I didn't leave the faith altogether represents that God called me, and I will never leave.(Unconditional election).

Anyways, I'm on my way to righteousness again and I'm an adult now and I'm in college expanding my mind, and even though I might commit sins still, I'm working on myself. I'm repairing this walk by faith every single day that I grow. I love you Jesus.
Amen to that.

-Continual prayers is always appreciated