Depression

Seasons are changing, holidays are approaching, college is getting more stressful as the semester begins to come to an end. Everything is beginning to crash, and it gets like this every year. I don't want to rely on my medication again because I don't like pills. I took them for a couple years and I'm finished with it. Anyways, things just seem so heavy on me during these times, sometimes I even consider the question, "Why do I even live?" What's the purpose? I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I honestly just don't value my life, I don't care if I die, at least by dying it will end everything that sucks, and end my emotions that make me feel so crappy. I can't take it. I feel like I have hardly any friends, and with that being said, my depression makes it near impossible to make any new friends. I don't want to be in Maryland anymore. I don't want to be in college anymore. I don't want to be single my entire life, but I feel like I will be honestly, I'm too much of a coward to ever ask another girl out at this point. I don't want to deal with losing the only few loved ones that I have. I don't want to see things constantly keep changing. I've been through so many different environments and changes in the last two decades, and I can't imagine what more I'm gonna end up seeing and going through in the next 2 decades...

I'm seriously in shock that I'm sitting in the library at Towson University. My whole life I had awaited the day to turn 18 so I could be an adult. And now I'm gonna be 20 and I just can't believe it. I can remember certain things from elementary school still, middle school almost most things, and high school honestly is the biggest blur, but then again, I was high and drunk pretty frequently during those years. Most people don't seem to look back in the same sense that I do, and think, "Why am I here" or "How am I here" or "I don't wanna be here". It seems as if most look at the present and say "I love that I'm here now" and I just can't do that. It seems as I get older, I look back with more regrets. I have reasons why, but at the same time, I don't. It's confusing, but then I'm a confusing person to understand. Sometimes I just wish I could relive one good day from the past. I liked the simplicity of childhood. No responsibility, school was whatever, no work. Don't get me wrong, there were some serious struggles growing up, but I'd take it to relive the simple mindset of a child because this I can't take.

Maybe I'm being irrational, maybe I'm being stupid by saying such crap, but then again, maybe its all reasonable. I don't know. I just needed to vent this out on blogger because it has been on my mind. Please pray for me for those that do pray. For those that don't, hope for the best that I get through this season. Thanks