God, Clinical Depression, Towson, People.

So, these four topics that I created for the subject of this blog are the 4 topics that I'm actually working on right now! And it feels great. Let me begin with God. My spirituality is coming back. The Lord is calling me again, and I love it. I've been listening to worship and praise music, and I'll be going to Church on Sunday, and I couldn't be more happier about that. I'll also be seeing my Christian friends in Tennessee which will only help me even more. This is great and an accomplishment I wanted for the New Year. And the Lord provided it for me. The Lord kept me in His hands as He promised.

The next topic is my Clinical Depression. I'm getting back on track with that as well. I've been on my medication now for over a week. I'm starting to feel better mentally. I'm more stable. I'm not losing it. Finally, things are becoming clearer to me. Of course, I'll be complete in another week, but nonetheless, I can feel its working! That is such a blessing. Thank You God for providing us with the mediciation to cure such an illness.

Now moving onto Towson, so far I'm managing myself there. I'm not fond of it, but I'm coping better there, and that could be connected to the depression not being as severe. However, I'm doing my work successfully, and I'm gonna do this! I'm gonna get good grades again, and I'm making it through this semester. Then I'll have the summer to recooperate. I'm just glad its not feeling as overwhelming as it did. Thats another weight off my shoulders. Amen.

Lastly, People. I've abandoned about 7 to 10 friends in the last month. It took sometime to cut off ties with them. And some were very difficult to do with, but I had to. There was no choice. I had outgrown them, I had realized some didn't even care about me, I've also came to the conclusion that some were negative for me as well. The only people I need in my life is the following: Christina Edwards, Amber Edwards, and your guys family. My immediate family, and my extended family. My friends Christopher Bullen, Mike Carter, Matt Bullen, and Dee Bullen (and her entire family), and I can't forget about, Holly McConnell, and Lexi Cavey. Those are true friends, and people in my life that will always have my back and care for my well-being. I love all of you, and I thank God that He provided you all in my life.

New Years Resolutions 2012

1) This is by far the most important for me, I need to get mentally stable again. I've been losing it lately, its time to calm down. This depression needs to cease.

2) Spiritual well being. This needs to improve for sure. My relationship with God is no good right now. I need it to be above and beyond. I need to get a reality check with that. This semester has distanced me. Not again.

3) Muscle growth. I want to gain another 10 pounds of muscle mass this coming year. I've been doing pretty well so far. However, I could improve on my workouts, and I will start doing so. I've been going to the gym for roughly 4 months straight now, and by the end of next year, I want to be in the maintenance stage.

4) School stress. I don't want Towson to kill me. It's been causing a lot of problems. I dread being here, and I need to utilize it better. (I don't know if this will be achieved, but I can try).

5) Elimination of "friends". Its times to end some of these poor relationships that I have. Those that cause issues, drama, conflicts, bring up past memories I'd rather not have reoccur. Those that seem not to care whether or not I'm alive. Those that don't understand me.

6) Become open to relationships. Lately, I've had an anti relationship type of mind. I have this mindset that they cause more problems than benefits. I'm gonna work on that.

Finals

This post isn't just about my finals for college coming up. Its about the finals for everything. Let me explain what I mean, so lately as you should know from previous posts, I've been dealing with depression. When I put everything into to perspective, right now everything seems to be crashing upon me. I have all these exams that I need to take, which in and of itself is stressing me out, my spiritual health is not so good which makes me more vulnerable emotionally, my clinical depression is off the chain, my friends have proven themselves to be not loyal, ignorant of reality, not caring, and most of all, not beneficial to me. (There are a few that I make the exception to this statement, and you should know who you are). On top of this, I'm dealing with family conflicts, the loss of my grandfather last year, and internal guilt and remorse. Everything is seriously heavy right now. Somethings gotta give, I can't handle all of it.

So what do I mean when I say its about finals for everything? For those that didn't put the pieces together, when finals with school come around, everything seems as though college is 10x worse. When finals in my life come around, its the same thing, everything ELSE is 10x worse. The holidays don't help anything, which is another issue to the list. I'm gonna get things straightened out this coming new year. In fact, the next post I make on here will be my new years resolutions for 2012. I'm probably gonna get back on my medication, I'm gonna quit a lot of things, I'm gonna end a lot of friendships, and I'm gonna create the illusion that school doesn't bother me, and that I will complete it successfully. I'm not going through all this drama and stress, to not walk out of here with my bachelors degree. You can forget that.

Depression

Seasons are changing, holidays are approaching, college is getting more stressful as the semester begins to come to an end. Everything is beginning to crash, and it gets like this every year. I don't want to rely on my medication again because I don't like pills. I took them for a couple years and I'm finished with it. Anyways, things just seem so heavy on me during these times, sometimes I even consider the question, "Why do I even live?" What's the purpose? I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I honestly just don't value my life, I don't care if I die, at least by dying it will end everything that sucks, and end my emotions that make me feel so crappy. I can't take it. I feel like I have hardly any friends, and with that being said, my depression makes it near impossible to make any new friends. I don't want to be in Maryland anymore. I don't want to be in college anymore. I don't want to be single my entire life, but I feel like I will be honestly, I'm too much of a coward to ever ask another girl out at this point. I don't want to deal with losing the only few loved ones that I have. I don't want to see things constantly keep changing. I've been through so many different environments and changes in the last two decades, and I can't imagine what more I'm gonna end up seeing and going through in the next 2 decades...

I'm seriously in shock that I'm sitting in the library at Towson University. My whole life I had awaited the day to turn 18 so I could be an adult. And now I'm gonna be 20 and I just can't believe it. I can remember certain things from elementary school still, middle school almost most things, and high school honestly is the biggest blur, but then again, I was high and drunk pretty frequently during those years. Most people don't seem to look back in the same sense that I do, and think, "Why am I here" or "How am I here" or "I don't wanna be here". It seems as if most look at the present and say "I love that I'm here now" and I just can't do that. It seems as I get older, I look back with more regrets. I have reasons why, but at the same time, I don't. It's confusing, but then I'm a confusing person to understand. Sometimes I just wish I could relive one good day from the past. I liked the simplicity of childhood. No responsibility, school was whatever, no work. Don't get me wrong, there were some serious struggles growing up, but I'd take it to relive the simple mindset of a child because this I can't take.

Maybe I'm being irrational, maybe I'm being stupid by saying such crap, but then again, maybe its all reasonable. I don't know. I just needed to vent this out on blogger because it has been on my mind. Please pray for me for those that do pray. For those that don't, hope for the best that I get through this season. Thanks

California...

I know it's been awhile since I made a post on here, but as any of my followers should know, I usually go through cycles with this site being that I am pretty busy while at college. However, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, this past month really. I think I'm going to be leaving Maryland in a couple years. While a couple years sounds far, its really close considering I've already manage to basically go through 2 decades! Anyway, I'd like to point out that I was born, and raised in Maryland. Honestly, I think I've had enough here though. Too much drama with past friends, and too many memories I'd rather forget (even though there are good ones, there are also some really bad ones). My gut instinct tells me every day, "If you want to succeed in the future, leave the past" and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Being the thinker that I am, I considered my future life out in California. I have strong faith that I can get an accounting career out there,(given that is my major at Towson University). I know that I can earn good money out there doing that, and of course, obtaining my CPA. I'm also planning after 10 to 15 years of working for a firm, that I would become a partner in my own firm, or even the one that I had been working for. On top of the job that I could obtain, I also love the idea of living somewhere in which I can just look out my window, or stand on my balcony and be able to see the pacific ocean, or the palm trees or even just the idea of being able to relax after a nice long day at work. I also want to start a nice family out there as well. It's a really good environment for family life.

Another thing about California that is a benefit is the fact that I have several cousins that already live out there so it won't be like I'm completely alone from the start. I get along with all of them as well, which is rare for me considering in other areas I don't typically get along with family to such an extent. Last but not least, I would love to get back on track spiritually, my faith has been terrible lately. I don't know what it is but I can not stay on the path for the Lord! It drives me crazy. There are always several months where my faith is amazing, and then I fall away as if I never had faith to begin with. However, my problem is the associations I have out here in the east coast, and the peers that hold me back. Anyways, I really do believe that all of this can be achieved once I leave everything behind me here. I have everything mapped out in my mind. As for now, my goal is to earn my bachelor's degree in accounting, so lets hope and pray that goes well because my future rests upon it. Please post your comments on any of this, I'm open to discussion about this "big move" decision. (I'll be waiting Christina...) lol

Some last a lifetime, most last a season.

The other day while watching a Madea play (yeah, I actually watch it even though the script is usually not that good, although the character Madea is funny to me). Also, in case you don't know, Tyler Perry is a Christian and he always puts messages into his movies or plays. Anyways, I'm not gonna talk about the movies or Tyler Perry in this blog. What I am going to discuss is a message that I heard the other day. It changed my view on friendships. It was actually that much an an eye opener. First off, we must remember that not all of our friends that we meet last a lifetime. Everyone I'm sure has experienced temporary friendships, whether or not you intended that, which I don't think anyone actually "intends" for a friendship to be temporary. However, many are. With that being the case, we can describe friendship in comparison to tree. So lets first break down what makes up a tree. There are leaves, branches, and roots. The leaves describes the people that only last for a short period of time in your life, and usually they are obvious, you know you'll only deal with them for a little bit of time, could be an assignment at work, could be anything really. Could just be your not feeling a close relationship but you just "hang out". Whatever it may be, leaves wither away. These are the ones you shouldn't care about when they do wither away. Its a who cares situation.

Next we have the branches. Now the branches are tricky. They fool you. They last for awhile typically, just like any branch does on a tree for the most part. The branches are usually close for quite some time, a good few years, but God decides when they break off. And like any branch, it will break off, and usually it wasn't strong to begin with, but basically in time you just made it strong through some growing. However, without a strong connection, the friendship will end, and usually this happens through eventually growing apart, or some big argument, or some other issue that may have happened. In nature, it usually happens in time, or by some strong force of wind, or even birds or squirrels etc. And when this does, it hurts. It's not like a leaf that just falls off the tree, its a branch that has been snapped.

Then we have our roots. Roots are the best. These are the true friends you make. These are the only group of people you'll meet that have impact for a lifetime, all else only last for seasons. Branches and leaves for instance. However, the roots lay at the bottom of the tree, they are the foundation, and you just know they will be there through thick and thin, you just know that they are there for you when in times of trouble, you just know that they got your back on anything. To put it simply, they last a lifetime. Which means a lot. No matter what, even in the most intense of arguments, you'll never lose each other. You could even apply roots to certain family members as well. And honestly, you're lucky when you have at least 3 roots (friendship wise, not family wise). And I feel blessed, that I have about 6.

The whole reason I'm posting this is because lately at college I've been struggling with making a group of friends, but honestly, that's alright with me. God didn't predestine it. God didn't have it that way for me here, at least not yet. And I should be blessed that back in my home area, I have many many friends, and that I have a few true friends. I know I'm not alone at heart. I'd also like to add that we must learn to be careful of who we identify as branches and roots. It can be difficult. When you truly lose a friend that you thought was close, remember, it might have only been a branch. The roots you have, whomever they may be, will always keep you going through it.

This girl...

The name of this girl that has been on my mind this past year will be unknown for purposes of privacy. I just have this urge to express this "love" that I think I have for her in particular. She made me smile when I was down. She made me happy when I felt sad. She made me laugh when I was in a state of apathy. She made me feel close to her even when we only knew each other for a week. She made me, for the first time, ever feel like I wanted a relationship. At that point in my life when I met her, I was overcoming depression, I was overcoming drugs and alcohol, and most importantly, I had become a Christian. The experience of Christianity, brought a new life in me, however, the old life had not yet vanished completely as I had thought it did (this was shown a year after my conversion to Christ when I slipped severely). Anyways, I was in a state of confusion, and uncertainty with what exactly I wanted in life. This led me to never ask this girl out, and for that, I have regret. It gets deeper. If I were to have led a life as a Christian as I should have, I would be with her. I know its crazy to predict such a thing, but looking back, its absolutely true, and the consequence of living secularly (as I put it) results. Unfortunately, it gets worse, I can't communicate with this girl any more, I can't get a hold of her, she has no facebook (yes, surprisingly), she has no myspace, she has no cell number as far as I'm aware of. It's terrible.

I'm going to briefly get into why I say if I had remained a Christian why I would know her still. Back when I lost the faith, I was partying again with some new peers I met through an older friend. During this time, we were still communicating via cell phone whether it was talking or texting. I never chose to see her because I would rather get drunk or high then to go down and visit with her where she lives. So eventually as time went by, we lost each other. After I came back to my senses as a Christian again, she popped in my mind again although this time it was too late, I can't reach her. What's worse now is those "friends" I thought I had turned out to not even be true. They are as fake as they come. Nothing but greedy, rude, and disrespectful towards you. So now I am at a complete loss with nothing but her on my mind. For those that pray, please pray that she is part of fate in my life and that we will get together at some point in history. Thanks for reading.