New Years Resolutions for 2014

It's that time of year again where Christina and I write up our New Years Resolutions. I'm excited to see what she has written. Last year I'm proud to say that I managed to achieve several of them. God is good like that. This year has similar ones but some new ones as well. Enjoy!

1.) Move to California. This is the number one goal of me this year. I trust that God will have me out there by the end of August.

2.) Get an awesome job. I graduate in May this year so I hope to find and obtain a career by the end of this summer. Ideally, when I move to California.

3.) Start Ministry Plans. I've been having so many ideas over the past few years of what I am going to do out in California to reach people with the gospel. I hope to start creating an organized plan by the end of this year.

4.) Have a Girlfriend. I have been single for the entire time I have been at college in efforts to achieve a good GPA. Now that I'm moving to where I'm going to live and that I am finishing up with school, I can finally have some time to seek for that future wifey ;) (God-willing)

5.) True Repentance. There are a few sins I have been repenting of in my life towards the end of 2013. I can't seem to break the grip of them completely. I pray that this year I will completely rid of some of those lingering sins in my life. I know that Christ can defeat them so I put my faith in that truth.

6.) Masters in Theology. I would love to begin classes towards earning my Masters Degree by the end of this year (assuming I have the funds and the time). Eventually, I will begin this process.

The Ocean of Salvation, to purchase - click link below

Insanity!

Insanity captures college, my relationship with God, and my physical fitness. 

College: 

This semester, Spring 2013 (I italicized to emphasize the stress lol), has been the work busiest semester at this University since I started here. Every semester has gotten tougher and tougher, and this just proves it. I know you may be thinking I say this every semester, and as odd as it is, each one has gotten harder! I'm only hoping that it starts to flatten out as Fall 2013 approaches. I can't imagine anything more insane than what this semester has brought. I'm talking term papers left and right, exams of crazy difficulty, presentations all over the place, team assignments, critical thinking assessments, problem solving scenarios, and quizzes every single week! As much as I am excited for it to end, I do appreciate the skills I have built over the work I've been doing. Insanity, I think so. 

Relationship with God:

I can definitely describe my relationship with God as insane. I'm not sure how to describe it truthfully. Let me first say that despite my lack of attention to Him, He still shows me affection to the greatest lengths; Insane. Despite my ugly side, He shows His beautiful side; Insane. Despite the fact I've had my doubts this semester, He never doubted me; Insane. God has truly blessed me with an amazing church family @CAPTIVATE, God has provided me with all my needs, my wants, and has been such an active player in my life! He is first. I may screw up, but He doesn't. I may slide, but He always stands. I may not always love right, but I'm right to know He always loves. Earlier this year, I received a tattoo of 2 Corinthians 4, which helps to keep my eyes on Him. This tattoo explains it; my relationship with God has been insane! Lol. 

Physical Fitness:

Lastly, the title comes from the work out program I have been pursuing called, Insanity. Exercise fitness Shaun T. pushes some boundaries in this work out like for real. Death, pain, agony, gasping for breath is describing it lightly. This is interval training that works on your cardiovascular and muscle resistance at the same time. It is by far the greatest work out I've ever done. I've been going to the gym for over a year and I can say that this work out pushes me beyond limits I never would have normally taken myself to. 

Conclusion?

Yes, this semester has been insane. All of this has kept me pretty preoccupied and busy. I've hardly had any time to socialize (to my friends, I apologize). I'm hoping that all this insanity will build me up into a better person. I've got my spiritual, mental and physical health in check. Amen to that!

New Years Resolutions 2013

I can't believe another year has gone by. Creating these new year resolutions have started to become tradition for me. This allows me to reflect on how this past year has been like, and what this new year can bring. God has answered "yes" to so many of my prayers this year. This year has been the year of "Redemption" for me. God has saved me out of the filth I fell back into after getting saved back in 2008. This year God has reminded me that He has never left me, that He has always loved me, and that no matter what,  He'll make sure that I'll remain close to Him. I've been a problem child for my Father, and I want to make it up to Him for the rest of my days til that day of eternity because I love Him so much!

Resolutions for 2013:

1.) I hope to see my family again in California. This year was messed up because I didn't get to see them at all, and I really miss them.

2.) I'd like to do more for my Church community. Recently I've been active in the Parking Lot team at my Church, greeting the guests. I'd like to use more of my gifts that the Spirit has given me. Particularly in theology, and teaching.

3.) I want to have a good second semester as I close with my junior year at college. I'd like to make Dean's list again (if possible!)

4.) I want more time with God. I've realized that as much as I pray, or read the Bible, or worship or go to Church; I've noticed that on my busy days with school, I'm absent from Jesus. This is no good. I want to find an even better routine to keep Christ closer to my heart!

5.) I want to change at least one person's life this year. I want to share the gospel efficiently, and have that person do a 180 for Christ!

6.) I'd like to make a bit more improvement in my work outs. I'm doing extremely well with getting in shape, however, I always feel like there is room for more improvement. I want to go hard.

7.) I'd like for my life to be a better reflection of Christ. I've realized that many times we tend to use the excuse, "I'm only human" not to live as a mirror image of Christ. I think we forget that He dwells, if He dwells, then our behavior will reflect Him.

Moving on...

Tomorrow is the day. The day I have been awaiting for. I'm getting my apartment. I'm going to be out, living completely on my own. I'm so excited. Who would have thought this day would be here so soon? I can still remember playing in my old town house neighborhood, going to the bus stop, passing the football, sledding in the snow. Now look at me. Grown up, loving Christ, and doing what God has me to do. I never saw this coming for me. I have to be honest with yall, I use to be drug addict, alcoholic, and a smoker. I use to struggle with certain sexual sins, details will stay between me and God, but I'm not ashamed to let yall know that I was a mess. I went down a nasty road. Perhaps it was my life growing up with my "lesbian" mother, perhaps it was the verbal abuse, perhaps it was my dad's apathy, perhaps it was my brother's street life, perhaps it was my clinical depression...but in all truth, the real answer lies within myself. I allowed Satan to take hold of this boy. Starting at 11 years old, things really took a spin for me. I had no idea where I was going with myself. I would cry and plead at night for relief. I never saw myself as a deans list student at Towson University. I never saw myself getting my own apartment at 20, I never saw myself associating with good peers and not negative ones. Most of all, I never  saw myself with a vision to move out to California, and get a job out there, and live on the pacific coastline. God had and has this all in store for me! God is just so amazing. The things God has done for me. The state of mind He brought me out of. (Yes, I do take anti-depressants, but He led me to take them!). I can't even begin to explain my THANKS to Him. It's like a loss of words that my heart can only express. My will power wasn't enough, I needed the Spirit's power. I struggle with sin to this day. I fall into sin. But I will never allow myself to live in it again, because I'm going to stay strong with Jesus. He is the one that keeps me away. I love Him too much to allow it!

As I embark tomorrow morning on a new point in my life as a Junior at Towson, living on my own in an apartment complex, I must always keep Christ the closest. I can't allow people to separate what me and Christ have, and I believe in the promise of Romans 8:38. I'm going to be moving on with life. Another stepping stone, half way done with College. HALF-WAY! Wow. It's truly amazing. Deans list every semester so far. How crazy! This is all for the glory of God. Truthfully, I will use my degree to help the needy, to travel to places to mission to lost souls, to help out my friends. I just want to enhance the Kingdom of God in any way that I can. It turns out that in California, there are several pastors I love that live out there. I'm hoping to unite with them, and follow Christ all the more!

When I say that I'm moving on, I don't just mean with this apartment move that I make tomorrow. I'm talking about everything. I'm moving on with all old friends that are of no use to me anymore and rather ridicule my love for Jesus (I've already done this truthfully). I'm talking with family members that don't seem to respect my die hard passion for the gospel message. I'm talking about with the "next step" in life. I'm talking about with Christ. I'm moving on from one stage spiritually to the next. I'm constantly growing. This new place will allow me to proclaim God times 10! There will be no secular attraction in my home. When I'm not studying for classes, I will be giving God glory in some way for most of the time. I'm not going to say always because that is a strong word, but I do hope one day, there will be nothing that I do that doesn't give glory to the Lord. For those that read this, and for those that pray, please pray for me! Pray for strength, for a closer relationship with Christ, for God's will to be done in my life. Thanks everyone. 

Updates

So as time goes by, more events and stuff arises of course. I'm finished with my sociology course now, and I'm almost done with my philosophy class. Time is flying by! It makes me appreciate eternity all the more when this life goes so quickly. It's just so temporary! Anyways, I finally bought a mic, not the real expensive one I would like, but a decent one. It gets the job done a little bit better than the recording device I had been using. This mic also came with a new music creator program that I've been using instead. It's much better. I've recently recorded this album, better known as a demo, and it is titled, "Jesus Christ, My White Knight". It's my best stuff so far. Lyrics and beats. I'm very, very satisfied with it. I'm actually kind of excited about it truthfully. I might be able to send this in to a reach records. I'm debating it though. I'm not sure if I want all that fame yet, just in case something clicks. I'm not sure I'm ready for that jelly. I'll have to ask God what I should do. Meanwhile, I'll just enjoy the recording process and writing lyrics (lol). I gotta be honest, I love working for the Kingdom of God, it's a great job. The rewards are great, the benefits are great, everything about it is great. I may have lost a lot from my past, but I've gained so much for my future, it's definitely worth it. I love Jesus so much, and I have so much in store, I can just feel it. All the plans God has for me in the next several years, so much is going to happen between now, and 25. I can't even fathom it all, I'm putting it all into the Lord's hands. He takes care of it better than I ever could.

I'll also be attending, The Unashamed Tour 2012, featuring the whole 116 crew, I'm so excited about that. All those guys are awesome, and Jesus lovers. I'll be going to that from October 12th through the 14th (I'll be leaving that day). I'll be getting a hotel down in Virginia beach, and seeing all of them. It's gonna be such a great weekend! Praising God with the people I love. Not to mention, my friend will be going so that'll make it even better. I'm looking forward to it, just about as much as the Gravity album by Lecrae coming out September 4th! Yall need to check it out! Support the movement! That's about it for now in my life. Just Jesus praising going on (lol), and that's how it should be. Just FYI, I'll also being moving into my apartment August 20th! Pray for me! Thanks, and God bless.

Check it out

Thought it was about time I did an update on this blogger. I hardly ever write anymore on here. I've been so busy with my online courses, with reading, with making music, listening to music, watching movies, hanging out with friends, going to concerts...it's just been a pretty crazy summer. I'm enjoying every minute of it. It's nice being able to serve God minus all the Towson University stress. Don't get me wrong, I'm blessed to be able to go to college and get a good education, and and get the opportunity to get a good job. It's just so much work, and sometimes it leads me away from the real center of attention being the Lord Jesus Christ. Anyways, I want to fill yall in on the music I've been creating. So this past month, I got this program for my computer called Fruity Loops. It's pretty cool actually, I can make beats and record my voice, the negative side is that my voice doesn't have the "professional quality" I desire it to have, and it annoys me because my lyrics are actually pretty good but it sounds amateurish because I don't have a 500 dollar mic. Oh well, I can use it to send demos to record labels, and maybe they'll let me use their professional studio which would be awesome! My music is actually very focused on Christ. I made one demo album so far, this album focuses on giving yourself up to God with all you are, and rejecting the world that we live in. I have songs that discuss my testimony, the significance of the blood, wanting to be like Christ, what it means to be truly dedicated, and much more. If you would like to hear some, let me know! I'll send you a sample via email. This demo album is titled, "Choose Him, not them". The next demo album that I'm currently working on now, is called Realizations. This is all about what it means to experience a true conversion. People don't seem to understand what it means to be captured by His grace. These songs talk about the importance of confession and forgiveness, living by the Spirit and not the flesh, serving a God more than just about the love, but about justice as well. I'm hoping this will reach out to a lot of people because I've basically taken sermons, put them into lyrics, provided a beat, and presto, I have gospel track with style (Lol).

On top of my music making, my mornings have been preoccupied with the gym and my online class work dealing with philosophy and sociology. Sociology is a piece of cake, the philosophy class on the other hand, would be great if the professor wasn't crazy! (lol). She just has ways of getting on my nerves, and apparently, she forgets it's a 101 course, not a 401. Enough about that stuff though, it's boring enough to simply do it. I am however interested in talking about some of the books I've been reading. There are 2 that really stick out in my mind, written by Frank Peretti, He's a christian author. The first one is called "This Present Darkness", and the second follows called, "Piercing the Darkness". It's a very interesting 2 part series that discusses the struggle of spiritual warfare, between angels and demons. He physically portrays both parties, and you can see them in the background working out the main characters (who of course can't see them as the reader can). It's very good, I highly suggest reading them.

I think that about covers most of my daily events. I'd like to add that I saw Lecrae a couple weeks ago, which was amazing. He was so active on stage, praising the Lord, and having fun. I was jammin out, rapping to all the lyrics, trust that. It was a good day (minus the 100 degree weather), but I persevered through it, and it was without question worth it. I'm looking forward to KB's new album, Weight and Glory, coming out next week, and Lecrae's album, Gravity coming out this fall. So much goodness all at once, then of course, the grand finale being the, I'm Unashamed Tour. Good stuff coming up! I've also joined a new Church, called, Abundant Life. They are pretty chill, I haven't met many people yet, but I'm sure after a couple weeks, I'll get to know more people. The only bad part about it is once I start going back to Towson, I won't be able to go there on Sundays for Church, but at least I have a good Church to attend during the Summer. I'd say the Lord is great! He has blessed me with so much of Him this summer, it was exactly what I was hoping for! Amen.

4 Arguments that need to be Refuted!

This is a very sensitive topic for me to discuss because I’ve been in debates with people in regards to this topic all too much. This is a very short read that I believe will change your life when it comes to serving God and being a real follower. At this very moment, I feel like God is striking my heart as I write these words down, so please pay close attention to them. This should take you no longer than 30 minutes to read. There is a very particular Scripture that sticks out in my mind as I start to write this short essay, it’s revealed in John 14:15, where Christ says, “If you love me, you will obey what I command”. Now let me ask you this, do you obey what He commands? Or at least make all conscious effort to do so? Sometimes I feel as though we use the “I’m not perfect” argument all too frequently. This argument basically states that since “I am a sinner, then I can continue to be a sinner, and I will be saved”. Unfortunately, this is not how it works, and this is not what Paul intended by salvation, just read Romans 6. If you are continuing to live in sin, would you consider yourself to be one that obeys what Christ taught? The problem is many of you think that because God is a God of love, He will understand any sin that you continue to live in. The problem with this concept is that ignores the fact that God is also a God of justice, of righteousness, of obedience, and of perfection. Just read the Bible to find this information out. For justice read 2 Thessalonians 1:6, for righteousness read Psalm 11:7, for obedience read 2 John, and lastly for perfection just read Matthew 5:48. It’s all Biblical, I promise. I don’t speak unless my authority comes from the word of God. So with that being the case, we can clearly see that God has many other attributes than just love, hopefully you are now starting to see the importance of following all that He says to do. Neglecting to understand this important factor is disrespecting the God in which you say you love with all your heart. Words are deceptive, and prove nothing until they are put into action, which the book of James talks about. I have encountered people in the past that have said to me, “I have Christ in my heart” and then cuss like they don’t even know the name of Jesus, or get drunk and pretend as if Jesus wasn’t sitting right next them, or even deny the fact that we are to strive for holiness altogether. This digs under my skin because I don’t want this kind of preaching going out into the world because it neglects the message of the gospel. It fails to understand the atonement, and the whole concept of washing away your sins. Let me put this into an analogy for you. Let’s say you have a dirty rag, will it become clean just because you shout, “Rag be clean!”? Of course not, it needs to go into the washer. It needs soap and water, not words.  Sanctification is all about your actions becoming more holy. If you just say, I’m going to stop drinking and then not even bother to work on it, then you are becoming sanctified but rather fooled by fake Spirit. Now sanctification is a gradual process, however, if you aren’t improving in your walk with the Lord, then I would evaluate your faith because you may not have God’s grace growing in you. I say the word “may” because I personally don’t know your spiritual background so I don’t want to make an absolute conclusion in your walk with God. However, the odds are; you probably don’t have the true Spirit developing in your heart if you have been continuing to live in sin, rather than alive for Christ. What I just said is all explained in Colossians 3:5-11. So we must remember that the death of Christ not only paid our penalty of sin, but God also used it to break the power of indwelling sin in our life. This now leads me into the next argument I’ve had to deal with and most certainly need to discuss. It’s a 4 letter word that should absolutely bring you to your knees to a true repentance every night, its known best as Fear. Do you fear God? Do you fear God when choosing to get drunk? Do you fear God when cussing up a storm? Do you fear God when you commit fornication? Do you fear God when you steal something? Do you fear God when you have hateful thoughts? Do you fear God when you are feeling jealous? If you say that you do fear Him, and then continue to do just those things listed, then you are committing another act, lying. Did you know God killed a man for lying? Just read the book of Acts. I’m not making this stuff up. Fear is very important to understand, and I think that it is because of a lack of fear that we don’t have people truly following the Lord. For example, what happens when a parent doesn’t punish their child for acting like a brat? They continue to do what they want because they have no fear of what is going to happen since they know that there will be no punishment. That’s the problem with these “proclaimed” Christians. They have no fear. If only this could be instilled into the human brain, we would have so many more true conversions for Christ. Having a true fear brings you to your knees knowing you need a Savior because God is just and does send those to hell that don’t obey Him and believe in his Son, Jesus Christ. Now I’m not suggesting that if you slip up and sin, that you aren’t one who strives to obey. Considering the fact that we still live in these earthly bodies we will naturally commit sin at times, just read Romans 7, which discusses this struggle greatly. However, for those that live for Christ, they don’t commit sin in their mind, but rather through their fleshly nature. Your mind (as a true Christian) is set on the things above, not on the things here, read Colossians 3. Whatever I do here, is not because I want to do them, and because I do not want to do them, it lessens the chance of me committing sin. This needs to be every Christian’s focus and goal in life. I would now like to connect this fear with love. While we are to fear God, we are also to obey through love. We obey because we love Him! Fear brings us to Him, and Love keeps us in Him. Jesus wouldn’t have told us to obey if it were impossible for us to do. Lastly in regards to this argument, I’ve also gotten comments in regards to preaching to the point of giving someone else fear. The question is, is that alright to do? According to Scripture, absolutely! For fear of God does all the following: The "fear of the Lord" is the beginning of knowledge - Proverbs 1:7, The "fear of the Lord" will cause one to hate evil - Proverbs 8:13, The "fear of the Lord" will prolong life - Proverbs 10:27, The "fear of the Lord" provides strong confidence and is the fountain of life – Proverbs 14:26-27, The "fear of the Lord" prompts one to depart from evil - Proverbs 16:6, The "fear of the Lord" leads to a satisfying life, and spares one from much evil - Proverbs 19:23 and lastly, The "fear of the Lord" is the way to riches, honor, and life!- Proverbs 22:4. Clearly, teaching a message of fear and reverence is important for one’s life. If the person fears you through the message, than that’s a personal problem, not yours. They need to concentrate on fearing the one in which the servant is working for. The next argument that I’ve had to deal with goes like this, “Well, your walk is not my walk with God, and my walk is not her walk with God”. First off, while you may be in a different pace of sanctification than someone else following Christ, the definition of sanctification doesn’t change. Sanctification is sanctification, meaning to become holy. If there is no progress, then I don’t care what walk you are on, you’ve taken the wrong path, and that path doesn’t lead you to Christ. I feel as if a lot of Scripture is going to be necessary for this statement because I can already tell grumbling is about to arise. The term "walk" signifies the whale of activity of the Christian's life, the direction, orientation or theme of the believer's life (According to GodandScience.org). Now here is the list of Scriptures that explicitly describe a believer’s walk: In Romans 6:4, it says we are to be “raised from the dead to walk in newness of life”, in Romans 8:4, it says we are to “walk according to the Spirit not flesh, in 2 Corinthians. 5:7 it says we are to be “walking by faith”, in Ephesians 2:10, I says we are “created for good works to walk in them”, in Ephesians 5:2 it says we are to “walk in love”, in Ephesians 5:8 it says that we are to “walk as children of light”, in 2 John 4 it says that we should “walk in truth”, in 2 John 6, we are told to “walk according to the commandments in love”. Now there is also a list that describes how a Christian should not walk: in Romans 8:4, we are told not to walk “according to the flesh”, in 1 Corinthians. 3:3, we should not be “walking like mere men”, in 2 Corinthians. 4:2, we should not be practicing “craftiness of adulterating the word of God”, in 2 Corinthians. 5:7, we should not be walking “by sight”, and lastly in Ephesians 4:17, we are told to not “walk as Gentiles in futility of their minds”. As you can see, as Christians, we do have basic principles to walk by and not walk by. If you think the context is wrong in any of those verses, then please, feel free to read the entire New Testament, because they will all testify as perfectly aligned and true. Just to take a side step from this comment in regards to context, I think I need to make an important remark. There is a difference between interpretation and application. There is a proper way to interpret, verses applying what you want it to say based on a past belief. I will provide a source for more information on that at the end of this essay. Anyways, walking with God is a path that will lead you into the same direction, not a different one, unless you are suggesting in polytheism, which states there is more than one God. In which, each different god would lead you into a different path. However, this would be heresy, and hopefully, I don’t need to show a Scripture to show that. The last argument that I need to handle involves hindering those that are preaching the gospel. Many of you think that a “Jesus Freak” needs to tone it down a bit. When I say many, I’m referring to the proclaimed saved Christians. Would you walk up to Jesus Christ and say, “Hey, excuse me sir, do you mind sitting down and shutting up I don’t feel like hearing your preaching today”? I sure hope you wouldn’t. Many thought of him as an annoying teacher, such as the Pharisees, but that didn’t stop Him from speaking truth. I’ve been called a lot of names, stuff along the lines like being a Bible thumper. At first, this bothered me, and discouraged me; however, later I realized that even though the person meant harm by it, it was actually a good sign to me. I knew that I was only doing my job as a true Christian. Are you doing your job? How often do you sit back and discuss earthly things rather than heavenly things? It is also important to note that the Bible tells us that some people will be offended at the gospel, just read Luke 12:51-53. If you are one to get offended at someone’s content from Scripture, then evaluate your faith. We are also commanded to share the gospel, and there is no excuse for not doing so, read Matthew 28:19-20; Acts 1:8; and 1 Peter 3:15. If you truly love Jesus, you will spread the content, and teach the people around you to repent in the name of Jesus Christ. I say this to you, because I’ve actually been shunned for preaching the gospel by other “claimed” Christians. Can you believe that? I know that I couldn’t. What kind of Christian hinders another Christian from sending forth the truth from directly the Scriptures? The argument then extends into the fact that it can become overwhelming. And guess what? I have news for you: The gospel is overwhelming! We are talking about God sending His son to pay our price; this wasn’t easy for Jesus Christ especially knowing His role. Yet, you complain when one is simply trying to teach you what to practice abstaining from! As I conclude this short essay, there is one question now that must be asked, do you truly love Christ? Based on the above arguments that have been refuted, would you sincerely say that you do? If you feel as though you’ve fallen into deception, take this moment and repent and start over again as a dedicated bond servant for Jesus Christ. Live for His name, and don’t be a Judas at heart, meaning do not fall into the category of not knowing anything about the God whom you serve. This is very important to me because I feel as though spiritually this society is weak. I don’t feel like I should walk into a Church and feel as though there are so many people around me that aren’t fully “there” with Christ. It’s sad when certain individuals stick out among the crowd, when we should ALL be sticking out. I pray that you see this reality because it is very important to understand. Jesus Christ couldn’t have said it better Himself when He said, “For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it” (Matthew 7:14). Think about that for a minute. He said that only a FEW will find it. Not billions of people which have statistically been recorded to follow Jesus Christ. He makes the call, and while many are called, only a few are chosen. Just read Matthew 22:14, it’s all there in the Bible. Hell is no joking matter, and I think we risk our eternity based on one Scripture, John 3:16, while we need to obey Genesis through Revelations. Remember the old expression that states “If you play with fire, you are going to get burned”. Just like if you play with your eternity, you will get burned as well, and I mean literally. 

Update on life:

So things are going pretty good with the Lord right now. I believe He has given the Holy Spirit in writing my new (soon to be published) book. It's titled, "Christian Poems for Guidance" I highly recommend it to all. It's mainly attracted to young adults but any audience could read them. I'm pretty excited about this. If you are curious of how they are written, please check out some that I posted on my blog. Please pray that this gets spread throughout the world, and share the message and gospel of Jesus Christ! I never thought that writing could be a form of a missionary. Other than that excitement, I'm about to be officially half way done with College, in just 3 weeks! I can't believe I'm going to be a junior next semester. My time at Towson University is just flying by. I'm happy about this though, because soon enough I'll be able to get a nice high paying job, I'll be able to live my dream of moving to California, having a condo looking over the pacific ocean, and being able to glorify God in all that I do. When I start making good money, I'll be able to donate so much more to the Churches in the area, to people in need. I love that. I want to be able to provide when I can. Right now, while I still provide, it's still rough because I don't have an income per say. I'm seriously just ready for the next turn into my life, I'm ready for the move. I need this so badly, and I believe God will grant this blessing to me. And because I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart. I have faith in that truth. As of right now, however, I'm sad because my greatest friend, Christina, hasn't really been talking to me. It's like a sister that just stopped talking to their little brother. I understand she's busy, but I just wish she could find 30 min in a day so we could talk some. I'm not sure what to do about this other than to pray. And now, I don't think I'll be able to go out to Tennessee, because she feels as though it isn't realistic for me to come. I'm not sure how to handle this, because the last trip was so spiritual for me, and so great. I actually felt like I had a legit family, and now I can't even go back. And if I don't go this summer, who knows the next time I'll be able to go. Please pray all gets restored in this relationship, and that all things works out in the purpose according to God's will, if you are reading this. Thanks to my readers out there! Whoever they may be :) God bless.

Sin

Sin takes control over your domain. It has so much power over your brain. Cant you see that the things you do are destroying you. The problem is that many of you think that Jesus was just another wandering Jew. Don't you realize that He shed his blood upon a cross? I don't know why you can't see that He is was most certainly the son of the Boss. Who's the Boss you ask? That would be God the father, and if you can't see that you must be wearing a death mask. Now its time to see how much sin you're really in. I don't even think you know that you have an evil twin. I'm almost positive you've broken God's law several times. And I hope you know that these are very serious crimes. Have you ever lusted for another? You've probably had your mind on your best friend's sister or brother. Have you ever hated someone before? Because that is something that God just won't stand for. You do understand that's the same thing as murder right? Hopefully I just shed some insight. Have you ever dishonored your father or mother? Or what about told a lie to some other? How about when you were jealous of someone else's stuff? And if you try to say never me, then I'm callin your bluff! Now I must ask, Have you ever stopped letting God take control? In other words, have you always loved God with all your heart, mind and soul? Most likely that's a no, and I hope you know that you are part of Satan's show. You may think you are a good person according to society, however, you've been acting defiantly. I've already proven that point. I'm sure you probably partaken in the smoking of a joint. Or what about all the times you've gotten drunk on liquor or beer? And yes, a friday a night is considered apart of the calendar year. I'm not sure why everyone tries to sugar coat their actions...I could try and assume that they are afraid of other people's reactions. Or maybe it's just because they are so blind to see such a valid truth? What bothers me the most, is when I see people trying to say, "well its ok, cuz I'm in my youth". But don't you realize that you may die tomorrow morning? I'm even giving you a forewarning. That doesn't matter though, because nothing I say or do you could make you let go. I do believe that the Holy Spirit could change your heart however. And once this happens, you'll be embracing a new endeavor. In the words of trip lee, "I'm not a robot now", and this means that Satan no longer rules my life, you may ask, but how? I'm telling you at this moment, that I follow only the Lord. And there is no reason as to why you couldn't get on board. Sin is a devastating destruction of your inner being of what you could truly be. Can't you see? I mean just think of how wonderful adam and eve were before they ate that fruit from the tree? God commanded them not to, and yet they just couldn't carry through. Sin is manifested in just so many ways, and people commit it daily as if they are giving Satan a praise. It's time to wake up to the reality of sin. And realize where you have been. It's time to repent from it and simply stop letting Satan make you into someone that's considered unfit. Sin, as deadly as it can come, has a solution no matter what you've become. Don't let sin be that reason for you allowing you to leave the rainy season. Sin may have a stronghold, but it's nothing but fool's gold. Sin can be defeated once you have Christ watching your back, and so it's time to end this spiritual attack.

My Testimony

I got called on by the Lord, and in turn, I drew out my sword. I put on my armor of God, and my helmet of salvation. I've finally seen the light, and what a realization. The devil thinks hes got me wrapped around his fingers. He constantly lingers. I don't think he realizes who my Master is. Lets be real, Jesus riz. I've got my Scriptures for my Holy support, and I've got the Holy Spirit as my fort. I only follow the truth, not those dirty lies. All that are with me, please rise. Don't be ashamed of your Creator, or Jesus will say see ya later. I'm a solider in Christ, not a bum for Satan, I go all out. God has definitely got my back without a doubt. I use to be a mess, living in sin as if I had a mortgage. I finally realized, that house was nothing but a piece of garbage. I sold it with a gain. I got an appraisal of eternity, and I knew that purchase was most certainly not in vain. That offer is up to anyone who has Christ as their real estate agent. You just need to open up your heart and be patient. Feel free to dial His number, it's 1-800-Pray4HisGrace. Some of you may think that I'm a mental case. That's alright to me, Jesus said it would be the result once He set me free. I love when a biblical truth gets applied from someone else's insult. I don't think they realize that what who I have is much more...than a religious cult. What's even more impressive to me; is that Christ already knew, that people would try to persecute His crew. This is not a Gospel 101 message, this is a reality about your eternity. I'm not trying to preach the "hell" message that you've heard before. I'm just trying to explain that you're currently a prisoner of war. I'm not like one of those hypocrites that only preaches the content, because trust me I'm for sure one to repent. I mean I think it's time to be real, I'm not gonna say that I use to let Jesus take the wheel. I use to be into drugs, and I'm ashamed to admit that I even knew people that were apart of the bloods. I would drink alcohol all the time, and get into all sorts of crime. Almost got a DUI once, how stupid, I should have been wearing a hat that said dunce. I was a fan of telling lies, and then I use to think it was cool to go ahead and assault other guys. I even dealt with sexual sin, and now I can't believe I even felt that way within. And trust me, there is much more, but what's important is that you understand I was a catastrophe. And then the Lord gave me a conviction, thankfully. I must say that I'm grateful for God's decision; in making me a Christian. He chose me, He loved me, He picked me out of a population. And now I can partake in His glorification. This message isn't just for you unbelievers, this is also so the devil can know that I'm not apart of his television show. I've been released. I serve only the great High priest. Read Hebrews chapter 4 verse 14, its very a simple truth that He can make you clean. And before I end this testimony, bear with me. I must ask, Is it worth denying the Savior so that you can continue in your disorderly behavior? and most importantly, Is it worth denying that Jesus Christ is Lord for the risk of what you could get as a reward? Remember, this is eternity I'm talking about; This is definitely something you should figure out.

Let me know what you think! This one took some time to complete, but I think it's my best one so far, next to the one about fire. God is definitely speaking to my heart when I write these out for sure. I've never been a poet, and all of a sudden, I'm writing it like I'm a natural. Crazy. God bless everyone.

Fire

So I wrote another poem, here it goes:

Fire; that spark, that passion, that desire, that burning, that heat, that intensity, that warmth, that sensation, that drive, that light, that flare. For this word alone, can be described by the use of many free morphemes. Free morphemes means words, and this word has a lot more meaning that it seems. Fire can be a very useful tool, it can heat you up when you feel cool. It can cook your food, and even keep a dark room lit. It's sort of like an all-in-one first aid kit. One of the most amazing things about fire, is it's part of God's creation. All natural, and beautiful. Simply stunning. Fire much more than a literal term, it can be used metaphorically as well. For example, Did you know that God used it to pick you up, when you fell? It's that spark in your heart, that removed a side of you that had an evil part. It caused you to worship, to praise and to serve God. And let's not forget when Moses created a snake from a simple rod. Of course this happened after he saw God appear to him in the form of fire from behind a bush. I mean seriously would you really deny that the Lord doesn't use that fire as your salvation sword? This fire is like a lighter that has an unlimited amount of fuel. Another amazing truth about this fire is that He can set you on fire, and you don't need to panic and find the nearest pool. This burning is actually enjoyable, it's like no other, in fact you want more of it, not less. It's truly indescribable I must confess. And to be honest, I don't think I could explain in word just how much it meant to me that He provided such an intense passion of fire to my soul. I truthfully felt like I wanted to stop, drop, and roll. In spite of it all, this fire did something much more to me. It allowed my flesh to finally be set free.

Let me know what you think. God bless.

Depression for His Purpose

I wrote another poem, that expresses God using my depression all for the better. I use to look at my physical condition as a curse, as something that hindered me from being normal. It's an illness of course. However, since I've been medicated, and feeling better, I've realized that this depression has led me to God. It has shown me that I'm in need of a Savior, and that without Him, I am nothing. Without going through this struggle, I don't believe I would have ever realized that I need His love in my life. I truly believe God has used it to bring me to Him. So here it is, let me know what you think:

I'm destroyed, broken, in constant misery.
I'm hopeless, ashamed, sad and I want no sympathy.
I'm empty, lost, confused, and I don't know why.
I'm feeling guilty, cursed, lonely, and mentally I feel like I'm gonna die.

They say I have clinical depression.
They tell me they have medication to fix my mental recession.
They explain that I don't get enough serotonin to my brain.
They express that soon enough I'll have no more pain.

He tells me to have no fear.
He reassures me that theres no reason to shed a tear.
He says that He's made me this way for the better.
He explains that this mood has led me to His shelter.

Finally I realize that I need God most of all.
Finally I realize that without His love I would fall.
Finally I realize that Christ has died for me.
Finally I realize that He paid my fee.

There's not much more that I can say.
There is only the evidence that I'm going to be okay.
There was a divine intervention that He used for His purpose.
There is no reason to continue, but trust me I've only touched the surface.

God, Clinical Depression, Towson, People.

So, these four topics that I created for the subject of this blog are the 4 topics that I'm actually working on right now! And it feels great. Let me begin with God. My spirituality is coming back. The Lord is calling me again, and I love it. I've been listening to worship and praise music, and I'll be going to Church on Sunday, and I couldn't be more happier about that. I'll also be seeing my Christian friends in Tennessee which will only help me even more. This is great and an accomplishment I wanted for the New Year. And the Lord provided it for me. The Lord kept me in His hands as He promised.

The next topic is my Clinical Depression. I'm getting back on track with that as well. I've been on my medication now for over a week. I'm starting to feel better mentally. I'm more stable. I'm not losing it. Finally, things are becoming clearer to me. Of course, I'll be complete in another week, but nonetheless, I can feel its working! That is such a blessing. Thank You God for providing us with the mediciation to cure such an illness.

Now moving onto Towson, so far I'm managing myself there. I'm not fond of it, but I'm coping better there, and that could be connected to the depression not being as severe. However, I'm doing my work successfully, and I'm gonna do this! I'm gonna get good grades again, and I'm making it through this semester. Then I'll have the summer to recooperate. I'm just glad its not feeling as overwhelming as it did. Thats another weight off my shoulders. Amen.

Lastly, People. I've abandoned about 7 to 10 friends in the last month. It took sometime to cut off ties with them. And some were very difficult to do with, but I had to. There was no choice. I had outgrown them, I had realized some didn't even care about me, I've also came to the conclusion that some were negative for me as well. The only people I need in my life is the following: Christina Edwards, Amber Edwards, and your guys family. My immediate family, and my extended family. My friends Christopher Bullen, Mike Carter, Matt Bullen, and Dee Bullen (and her entire family), and I can't forget about, Holly McConnell, and Lexi Cavey. Those are true friends, and people in my life that will always have my back and care for my well-being. I love all of you, and I thank God that He provided you all in my life.

New Years Resolutions 2012

1) This is by far the most important for me, I need to get mentally stable again. I've been losing it lately, its time to calm down. This depression needs to cease.

2) Spiritual well being. This needs to improve for sure. My relationship with God is no good right now. I need it to be above and beyond. I need to get a reality check with that. This semester has distanced me. Not again.

3) Muscle growth. I want to gain another 10 pounds of muscle mass this coming year. I've been doing pretty well so far. However, I could improve on my workouts, and I will start doing so. I've been going to the gym for roughly 4 months straight now, and by the end of next year, I want to be in the maintenance stage.

4) School stress. I don't want Towson to kill me. It's been causing a lot of problems. I dread being here, and I need to utilize it better. (I don't know if this will be achieved, but I can try).

5) Elimination of "friends". Its times to end some of these poor relationships that I have. Those that cause issues, drama, conflicts, bring up past memories I'd rather not have reoccur. Those that seem not to care whether or not I'm alive. Those that don't understand me.

6) Become open to relationships. Lately, I've had an anti relationship type of mind. I have this mindset that they cause more problems than benefits. I'm gonna work on that.

Finals

This post isn't just about my finals for college coming up. Its about the finals for everything. Let me explain what I mean, so lately as you should know from previous posts, I've been dealing with depression. When I put everything into to perspective, right now everything seems to be crashing upon me. I have all these exams that I need to take, which in and of itself is stressing me out, my spiritual health is not so good which makes me more vulnerable emotionally, my clinical depression is off the chain, my friends have proven themselves to be not loyal, ignorant of reality, not caring, and most of all, not beneficial to me. (There are a few that I make the exception to this statement, and you should know who you are). On top of this, I'm dealing with family conflicts, the loss of my grandfather last year, and internal guilt and remorse. Everything is seriously heavy right now. Somethings gotta give, I can't handle all of it.

So what do I mean when I say its about finals for everything? For those that didn't put the pieces together, when finals with school come around, everything seems as though college is 10x worse. When finals in my life come around, its the same thing, everything ELSE is 10x worse. The holidays don't help anything, which is another issue to the list. I'm gonna get things straightened out this coming new year. In fact, the next post I make on here will be my new years resolutions for 2012. I'm probably gonna get back on my medication, I'm gonna quit a lot of things, I'm gonna end a lot of friendships, and I'm gonna create the illusion that school doesn't bother me, and that I will complete it successfully. I'm not going through all this drama and stress, to not walk out of here with my bachelors degree. You can forget that.

Depression

Seasons are changing, holidays are approaching, college is getting more stressful as the semester begins to come to an end. Everything is beginning to crash, and it gets like this every year. I don't want to rely on my medication again because I don't like pills. I took them for a couple years and I'm finished with it. Anyways, things just seem so heavy on me during these times, sometimes I even consider the question, "Why do I even live?" What's the purpose? I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I honestly just don't value my life, I don't care if I die, at least by dying it will end everything that sucks, and end my emotions that make me feel so crappy. I can't take it. I feel like I have hardly any friends, and with that being said, my depression makes it near impossible to make any new friends. I don't want to be in Maryland anymore. I don't want to be in college anymore. I don't want to be single my entire life, but I feel like I will be honestly, I'm too much of a coward to ever ask another girl out at this point. I don't want to deal with losing the only few loved ones that I have. I don't want to see things constantly keep changing. I've been through so many different environments and changes in the last two decades, and I can't imagine what more I'm gonna end up seeing and going through in the next 2 decades...

I'm seriously in shock that I'm sitting in the library at Towson University. My whole life I had awaited the day to turn 18 so I could be an adult. And now I'm gonna be 20 and I just can't believe it. I can remember certain things from elementary school still, middle school almost most things, and high school honestly is the biggest blur, but then again, I was high and drunk pretty frequently during those years. Most people don't seem to look back in the same sense that I do, and think, "Why am I here" or "How am I here" or "I don't wanna be here". It seems as if most look at the present and say "I love that I'm here now" and I just can't do that. It seems as I get older, I look back with more regrets. I have reasons why, but at the same time, I don't. It's confusing, but then I'm a confusing person to understand. Sometimes I just wish I could relive one good day from the past. I liked the simplicity of childhood. No responsibility, school was whatever, no work. Don't get me wrong, there were some serious struggles growing up, but I'd take it to relive the simple mindset of a child because this I can't take.

Maybe I'm being irrational, maybe I'm being stupid by saying such crap, but then again, maybe its all reasonable. I don't know. I just needed to vent this out on blogger because it has been on my mind. Please pray for me for those that do pray. For those that don't, hope for the best that I get through this season. Thanks

California...

I know it's been awhile since I made a post on here, but as any of my followers should know, I usually go through cycles with this site being that I am pretty busy while at college. However, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, this past month really. I think I'm going to be leaving Maryland in a couple years. While a couple years sounds far, its really close considering I've already manage to basically go through 2 decades! Anyway, I'd like to point out that I was born, and raised in Maryland. Honestly, I think I've had enough here though. Too much drama with past friends, and too many memories I'd rather forget (even though there are good ones, there are also some really bad ones). My gut instinct tells me every day, "If you want to succeed in the future, leave the past" and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. Being the thinker that I am, I considered my future life out in California. I have strong faith that I can get an accounting career out there,(given that is my major at Towson University). I know that I can earn good money out there doing that, and of course, obtaining my CPA. I'm also planning after 10 to 15 years of working for a firm, that I would become a partner in my own firm, or even the one that I had been working for. On top of the job that I could obtain, I also love the idea of living somewhere in which I can just look out my window, or stand on my balcony and be able to see the pacific ocean, or the palm trees or even just the idea of being able to relax after a nice long day at work. I also want to start a nice family out there as well. It's a really good environment for family life.

Another thing about California that is a benefit is the fact that I have several cousins that already live out there so it won't be like I'm completely alone from the start. I get along with all of them as well, which is rare for me considering in other areas I don't typically get along with family to such an extent. Last but not least, I would love to get back on track spiritually, my faith has been terrible lately. I don't know what it is but I can not stay on the path for the Lord! It drives me crazy. There are always several months where my faith is amazing, and then I fall away as if I never had faith to begin with. However, my problem is the associations I have out here in the east coast, and the peers that hold me back. Anyways, I really do believe that all of this can be achieved once I leave everything behind me here. I have everything mapped out in my mind. As for now, my goal is to earn my bachelor's degree in accounting, so lets hope and pray that goes well because my future rests upon it. Please post your comments on any of this, I'm open to discussion about this "big move" decision. (I'll be waiting Christina...) lol

Some last a lifetime, most last a season.

The other day while watching a Madea play (yeah, I actually watch it even though the script is usually not that good, although the character Madea is funny to me). Also, in case you don't know, Tyler Perry is a Christian and he always puts messages into his movies or plays. Anyways, I'm not gonna talk about the movies or Tyler Perry in this blog. What I am going to discuss is a message that I heard the other day. It changed my view on friendships. It was actually that much an an eye opener. First off, we must remember that not all of our friends that we meet last a lifetime. Everyone I'm sure has experienced temporary friendships, whether or not you intended that, which I don't think anyone actually "intends" for a friendship to be temporary. However, many are. With that being the case, we can describe friendship in comparison to tree. So lets first break down what makes up a tree. There are leaves, branches, and roots. The leaves describes the people that only last for a short period of time in your life, and usually they are obvious, you know you'll only deal with them for a little bit of time, could be an assignment at work, could be anything really. Could just be your not feeling a close relationship but you just "hang out". Whatever it may be, leaves wither away. These are the ones you shouldn't care about when they do wither away. Its a who cares situation.

Next we have the branches. Now the branches are tricky. They fool you. They last for awhile typically, just like any branch does on a tree for the most part. The branches are usually close for quite some time, a good few years, but God decides when they break off. And like any branch, it will break off, and usually it wasn't strong to begin with, but basically in time you just made it strong through some growing. However, without a strong connection, the friendship will end, and usually this happens through eventually growing apart, or some big argument, or some other issue that may have happened. In nature, it usually happens in time, or by some strong force of wind, or even birds or squirrels etc. And when this does, it hurts. It's not like a leaf that just falls off the tree, its a branch that has been snapped.

Then we have our roots. Roots are the best. These are the true friends you make. These are the only group of people you'll meet that have impact for a lifetime, all else only last for seasons. Branches and leaves for instance. However, the roots lay at the bottom of the tree, they are the foundation, and you just know they will be there through thick and thin, you just know that they are there for you when in times of trouble, you just know that they got your back on anything. To put it simply, they last a lifetime. Which means a lot. No matter what, even in the most intense of arguments, you'll never lose each other. You could even apply roots to certain family members as well. And honestly, you're lucky when you have at least 3 roots (friendship wise, not family wise). And I feel blessed, that I have about 6.

The whole reason I'm posting this is because lately at college I've been struggling with making a group of friends, but honestly, that's alright with me. God didn't predestine it. God didn't have it that way for me here, at least not yet. And I should be blessed that back in my home area, I have many many friends, and that I have a few true friends. I know I'm not alone at heart. I'd also like to add that we must learn to be careful of who we identify as branches and roots. It can be difficult. When you truly lose a friend that you thought was close, remember, it might have only been a branch. The roots you have, whomever they may be, will always keep you going through it.

This girl...

The name of this girl that has been on my mind this past year will be unknown for purposes of privacy. I just have this urge to express this "love" that I think I have for her in particular. She made me smile when I was down. She made me happy when I felt sad. She made me laugh when I was in a state of apathy. She made me feel close to her even when we only knew each other for a week. She made me, for the first time, ever feel like I wanted a relationship. At that point in my life when I met her, I was overcoming depression, I was overcoming drugs and alcohol, and most importantly, I had become a Christian. The experience of Christianity, brought a new life in me, however, the old life had not yet vanished completely as I had thought it did (this was shown a year after my conversion to Christ when I slipped severely). Anyways, I was in a state of confusion, and uncertainty with what exactly I wanted in life. This led me to never ask this girl out, and for that, I have regret. It gets deeper. If I were to have led a life as a Christian as I should have, I would be with her. I know its crazy to predict such a thing, but looking back, its absolutely true, and the consequence of living secularly (as I put it) results. Unfortunately, it gets worse, I can't communicate with this girl any more, I can't get a hold of her, she has no facebook (yes, surprisingly), she has no myspace, she has no cell number as far as I'm aware of. It's terrible.

I'm going to briefly get into why I say if I had remained a Christian why I would know her still. Back when I lost the faith, I was partying again with some new peers I met through an older friend. During this time, we were still communicating via cell phone whether it was talking or texting. I never chose to see her because I would rather get drunk or high then to go down and visit with her where she lives. So eventually as time went by, we lost each other. After I came back to my senses as a Christian again, she popped in my mind again although this time it was too late, I can't reach her. What's worse now is those "friends" I thought I had turned out to not even be true. They are as fake as they come. Nothing but greedy, rude, and disrespectful towards you. So now I am at a complete loss with nothing but her on my mind. For those that pray, please pray that she is part of fate in my life and that we will get together at some point in history. Thanks for reading.