My Testimony

I got called on by the Lord, and in turn, I drew out my sword. I put on my armor of God, and my helmet of salvation. I've finally seen the light, and what a realization. The devil thinks hes got me wrapped around his fingers. He constantly lingers. I don't think he realizes who my Master is. Lets be real, Jesus riz. I've got my Scriptures for my Holy support, and I've got the Holy Spirit as my fort. I only follow the truth, not those dirty lies. All that are with me, please rise. Don't be ashamed of your Creator, or Jesus will say see ya later. I'm a solider in Christ, not a bum for Satan, I go all out. God has definitely got my back without a doubt. I use to be a mess, living in sin as if I had a mortgage. I finally realized, that house was nothing but a piece of garbage. I sold it with a gain. I got an appraisal of eternity, and I knew that purchase was most certainly not in vain. That offer is up to anyone who has Christ as their real estate agent. You just need to open up your heart and be patient. Feel free to dial His number, it's 1-800-Pray4HisGrace. Some of you may think that I'm a mental case. That's alright to me, Jesus said it would be the result once He set me free. I love when a biblical truth gets applied from someone else's insult. I don't think they realize that what who I have is much more...than a religious cult. What's even more impressive to me; is that Christ already knew, that people would try to persecute His crew. This is not a Gospel 101 message, this is a reality about your eternity. I'm not trying to preach the "hell" message that you've heard before. I'm just trying to explain that you're currently a prisoner of war. I'm not like one of those hypocrites that only preaches the content, because trust me I'm for sure one to repent. I mean I think it's time to be real, I'm not gonna say that I use to let Jesus take the wheel. I use to be into drugs, and I'm ashamed to admit that I even knew people that were apart of the bloods. I would drink alcohol all the time, and get into all sorts of crime. Almost got a DUI once, how stupid, I should have been wearing a hat that said dunce. I was a fan of telling lies, and then I use to think it was cool to go ahead and assault other guys. I even dealt with sexual sin, and now I can't believe I even felt that way within. And trust me, there is much more, but what's important is that you understand I was a catastrophe. And then the Lord gave me a conviction, thankfully. I must say that I'm grateful for God's decision; in making me a Christian. He chose me, He loved me, He picked me out of a population. And now I can partake in His glorification. This message isn't just for you unbelievers, this is also so the devil can know that I'm not apart of his television show. I've been released. I serve only the great High priest. Read Hebrews chapter 4 verse 14, its very a simple truth that He can make you clean. And before I end this testimony, bear with me. I must ask, Is it worth denying the Savior so that you can continue in your disorderly behavior? and most importantly, Is it worth denying that Jesus Christ is Lord for the risk of what you could get as a reward? Remember, this is eternity I'm talking about; This is definitely something you should figure out.

Let me know what you think! This one took some time to complete, but I think it's my best one so far, next to the one about fire. God is definitely speaking to my heart when I write these out for sure. I've never been a poet, and all of a sudden, I'm writing it like I'm a natural. Crazy. God bless everyone.

Fire

So I wrote another poem, here it goes:

Fire; that spark, that passion, that desire, that burning, that heat, that intensity, that warmth, that sensation, that drive, that light, that flare. For this word alone, can be described by the use of many free morphemes. Free morphemes means words, and this word has a lot more meaning that it seems. Fire can be a very useful tool, it can heat you up when you feel cool. It can cook your food, and even keep a dark room lit. It's sort of like an all-in-one first aid kit. One of the most amazing things about fire, is it's part of God's creation. All natural, and beautiful. Simply stunning. Fire much more than a literal term, it can be used metaphorically as well. For example, Did you know that God used it to pick you up, when you fell? It's that spark in your heart, that removed a side of you that had an evil part. It caused you to worship, to praise and to serve God. And let's not forget when Moses created a snake from a simple rod. Of course this happened after he saw God appear to him in the form of fire from behind a bush. I mean seriously would you really deny that the Lord doesn't use that fire as your salvation sword? This fire is like a lighter that has an unlimited amount of fuel. Another amazing truth about this fire is that He can set you on fire, and you don't need to panic and find the nearest pool. This burning is actually enjoyable, it's like no other, in fact you want more of it, not less. It's truly indescribable I must confess. And to be honest, I don't think I could explain in word just how much it meant to me that He provided such an intense passion of fire to my soul. I truthfully felt like I wanted to stop, drop, and roll. In spite of it all, this fire did something much more to me. It allowed my flesh to finally be set free.

Let me know what you think. God bless.

Depression for His Purpose

I wrote another poem, that expresses God using my depression all for the better. I use to look at my physical condition as a curse, as something that hindered me from being normal. It's an illness of course. However, since I've been medicated, and feeling better, I've realized that this depression has led me to God. It has shown me that I'm in need of a Savior, and that without Him, I am nothing. Without going through this struggle, I don't believe I would have ever realized that I need His love in my life. I truly believe God has used it to bring me to Him. So here it is, let me know what you think:

I'm destroyed, broken, in constant misery.
I'm hopeless, ashamed, sad and I want no sympathy.
I'm empty, lost, confused, and I don't know why.
I'm feeling guilty, cursed, lonely, and mentally I feel like I'm gonna die.

They say I have clinical depression.
They tell me they have medication to fix my mental recession.
They explain that I don't get enough serotonin to my brain.
They express that soon enough I'll have no more pain.

He tells me to have no fear.
He reassures me that theres no reason to shed a tear.
He says that He's made me this way for the better.
He explains that this mood has led me to His shelter.

Finally I realize that I need God most of all.
Finally I realize that without His love I would fall.
Finally I realize that Christ has died for me.
Finally I realize that He paid my fee.

There's not much more that I can say.
There is only the evidence that I'm going to be okay.
There was a divine intervention that He used for His purpose.
There is no reason to continue, but trust me I've only touched the surface.

God, Clinical Depression, Towson, People.

So, these four topics that I created for the subject of this blog are the 4 topics that I'm actually working on right now! And it feels great. Let me begin with God. My spirituality is coming back. The Lord is calling me again, and I love it. I've been listening to worship and praise music, and I'll be going to Church on Sunday, and I couldn't be more happier about that. I'll also be seeing my Christian friends in Tennessee which will only help me even more. This is great and an accomplishment I wanted for the New Year. And the Lord provided it for me. The Lord kept me in His hands as He promised.

The next topic is my Clinical Depression. I'm getting back on track with that as well. I've been on my medication now for over a week. I'm starting to feel better mentally. I'm more stable. I'm not losing it. Finally, things are becoming clearer to me. Of course, I'll be complete in another week, but nonetheless, I can feel its working! That is such a blessing. Thank You God for providing us with the mediciation to cure such an illness.

Now moving onto Towson, so far I'm managing myself there. I'm not fond of it, but I'm coping better there, and that could be connected to the depression not being as severe. However, I'm doing my work successfully, and I'm gonna do this! I'm gonna get good grades again, and I'm making it through this semester. Then I'll have the summer to recooperate. I'm just glad its not feeling as overwhelming as it did. Thats another weight off my shoulders. Amen.

Lastly, People. I've abandoned about 7 to 10 friends in the last month. It took sometime to cut off ties with them. And some were very difficult to do with, but I had to. There was no choice. I had outgrown them, I had realized some didn't even care about me, I've also came to the conclusion that some were negative for me as well. The only people I need in my life is the following: Christina Edwards, Amber Edwards, and your guys family. My immediate family, and my extended family. My friends Christopher Bullen, Mike Carter, Matt Bullen, and Dee Bullen (and her entire family), and I can't forget about, Holly McConnell, and Lexi Cavey. Those are true friends, and people in my life that will always have my back and care for my well-being. I love all of you, and I thank God that He provided you all in my life.

New Years Resolutions 2012

1) This is by far the most important for me, I need to get mentally stable again. I've been losing it lately, its time to calm down. This depression needs to cease.

2) Spiritual well being. This needs to improve for sure. My relationship with God is no good right now. I need it to be above and beyond. I need to get a reality check with that. This semester has distanced me. Not again.

3) Muscle growth. I want to gain another 10 pounds of muscle mass this coming year. I've been doing pretty well so far. However, I could improve on my workouts, and I will start doing so. I've been going to the gym for roughly 4 months straight now, and by the end of next year, I want to be in the maintenance stage.

4) School stress. I don't want Towson to kill me. It's been causing a lot of problems. I dread being here, and I need to utilize it better. (I don't know if this will be achieved, but I can try).

5) Elimination of "friends". Its times to end some of these poor relationships that I have. Those that cause issues, drama, conflicts, bring up past memories I'd rather not have reoccur. Those that seem not to care whether or not I'm alive. Those that don't understand me.

6) Become open to relationships. Lately, I've had an anti relationship type of mind. I have this mindset that they cause more problems than benefits. I'm gonna work on that.

Finals

This post isn't just about my finals for college coming up. Its about the finals for everything. Let me explain what I mean, so lately as you should know from previous posts, I've been dealing with depression. When I put everything into to perspective, right now everything seems to be crashing upon me. I have all these exams that I need to take, which in and of itself is stressing me out, my spiritual health is not so good which makes me more vulnerable emotionally, my clinical depression is off the chain, my friends have proven themselves to be not loyal, ignorant of reality, not caring, and most of all, not beneficial to me. (There are a few that I make the exception to this statement, and you should know who you are). On top of this, I'm dealing with family conflicts, the loss of my grandfather last year, and internal guilt and remorse. Everything is seriously heavy right now. Somethings gotta give, I can't handle all of it.

So what do I mean when I say its about finals for everything? For those that didn't put the pieces together, when finals with school come around, everything seems as though college is 10x worse. When finals in my life come around, its the same thing, everything ELSE is 10x worse. The holidays don't help anything, which is another issue to the list. I'm gonna get things straightened out this coming new year. In fact, the next post I make on here will be my new years resolutions for 2012. I'm probably gonna get back on my medication, I'm gonna quit a lot of things, I'm gonna end a lot of friendships, and I'm gonna create the illusion that school doesn't bother me, and that I will complete it successfully. I'm not going through all this drama and stress, to not walk out of here with my bachelors degree. You can forget that.

Depression

Seasons are changing, holidays are approaching, college is getting more stressful as the semester begins to come to an end. Everything is beginning to crash, and it gets like this every year. I don't want to rely on my medication again because I don't like pills. I took them for a couple years and I'm finished with it. Anyways, things just seem so heavy on me during these times, sometimes I even consider the question, "Why do I even live?" What's the purpose? I'm not saying I'm suicidal, but I honestly just don't value my life, I don't care if I die, at least by dying it will end everything that sucks, and end my emotions that make me feel so crappy. I can't take it. I feel like I have hardly any friends, and with that being said, my depression makes it near impossible to make any new friends. I don't want to be in Maryland anymore. I don't want to be in college anymore. I don't want to be single my entire life, but I feel like I will be honestly, I'm too much of a coward to ever ask another girl out at this point. I don't want to deal with losing the only few loved ones that I have. I don't want to see things constantly keep changing. I've been through so many different environments and changes in the last two decades, and I can't imagine what more I'm gonna end up seeing and going through in the next 2 decades...

I'm seriously in shock that I'm sitting in the library at Towson University. My whole life I had awaited the day to turn 18 so I could be an adult. And now I'm gonna be 20 and I just can't believe it. I can remember certain things from elementary school still, middle school almost most things, and high school honestly is the biggest blur, but then again, I was high and drunk pretty frequently during those years. Most people don't seem to look back in the same sense that I do, and think, "Why am I here" or "How am I here" or "I don't wanna be here". It seems as if most look at the present and say "I love that I'm here now" and I just can't do that. It seems as I get older, I look back with more regrets. I have reasons why, but at the same time, I don't. It's confusing, but then I'm a confusing person to understand. Sometimes I just wish I could relive one good day from the past. I liked the simplicity of childhood. No responsibility, school was whatever, no work. Don't get me wrong, there were some serious struggles growing up, but I'd take it to relive the simple mindset of a child because this I can't take.

Maybe I'm being irrational, maybe I'm being stupid by saying such crap, but then again, maybe its all reasonable. I don't know. I just needed to vent this out on blogger because it has been on my mind. Please pray for me for those that do pray. For those that don't, hope for the best that I get through this season. Thanks