So what exactly is going on?

These past few days, I've not been feeling so great for some reason. Mentally, and even physically. A few years ago I use to suffer with depression, I was on medication, and worst of all, I wasn't even saved. So I didn't even have Jesus, or at least wasn't aware that He was there. God has brought me off of the medicine, and taken me to a place, spiritually, where I can usually feel happ'ier' that ever before. Even with dealing with my own personal conflicts, family, old peers, current friends, stress with college work, etc. I still don't need my medicine, I usually suck it up, pray, and I feel fine. Its just becoming annoying on these kind of nights. I have no friends, I have no one really to talk to, I can't call really anyone but Christina or Amber, and I'm sure they don't want me bothering them every single night (Even though typically I do, which is why I think arguments form, which can be avoided if I just had some people in my life) and if it wasn't for Jesus, I'd probably mope in my dorm room all day, and barely get through my school work, and I hate to say it, but I'd probably wouldn't even be in college in the first place without Him.

While reading this, whomever that may be, your probably going to say, "Well where are your friends at" and honestly, If you read my 'about me' next to my picture, it was said that I have been saved since 2008. Thats a couple years now, more actually. Heres the problem, When I became a new convert, I was coming out of some history I don't even want to go into. After a year of a strong love for Jesus, I was also trying to help my friend, Elliott. He was sick of living with his mom and CJ (step dad). So I went through Guidance, and pulled some strings...and well he got out of there, and moved in with his grandparents. Who would of thought, that what I did, led me back into the sin I left! It was ridiculous. The first few months when I was hanging out with him, and the people over in that area, almost every night that I would commit sin, I would feel this strong conviction. I ignored it. After awhile, when you ignore conviction, eventually you don't have that conviction anymore. Don't get me wrong, in my heart I still loved Jesus, I would look back and say, 'What happened to me' I was a good Christian, and now I'm a terrible one. Even every now and then I would pray in tough situations (Yes, I know thats wrong).

Anyways, this past month, God grabbed me out of it all. I believe that by getting a second chance at this college, that was all the Lord. It was his plan to get me out of such a bad situation for myself. Now it was just my part to ignore the calls, easy enough right? I wish...They still try to communicate with me, and don't get me wrong, I became close with these people, they weren't so 'bad' from the human perspective, but terrible in God's perspective. This being the case, I abandoned them for Jesus. It was a huge thing for me to do. They would talk about how we need to stay in touch when I go off to school, and how I'm a 'bro' to them and all that junk...It hurts me as much as I feel great that I don't associate with them. It's gonna take time to move them out of my mind completely. Its hard, it really is. He knows it is too. So this is the reason I have no friends right now. I've became closer with Jesus, and hopefully I make Christian friends while at school...I can only pray.

Lastly, just this year, my grandfather died. I really wish I could talk to him right now. Because of these 'friends' I didn't see him on the last day of his life. I chose not to go see him, not knowing he would die that evening...I want to be able to call him, I want him to see my campus, and to tell him how well I'm doing in school and I can't. I miss him, and Jesus knows. This depression is awful, its a disease, that only God can cure. Even while on meds, I would have bad days, but with Jesus there are no bad days, just bad moments here and there, that I believe Jesus will cure completely.

Anyways, as you can tell, I'm depressed, stressed, and lonely. But I don't want to be, I pray, and I pray, and I know Jesus is there. Its just hard sometimes...like tonight. Whoever reads this, please pray for me. It would be much appreciated.

Jesus loves you

As time passes by
My heart only wishes not to speak another lie
Sin is present all around me
Satan is most definitely my worst enemy

he trys to enter a spirit of perverseness
he trys to corrupt my spirit of lovingness
he succeeds at birth
but God chooses me so I can be of worth

This worth is incredible
my desire now is to only read the bible
but he still brings guilt within my conscience
And I repent in an instance

Although he can be persistent
God is brilliant
I pray for the strength to resist temptation
I realize its not gonna be easy just because I'm a Christian.

Please watch over me Jesus
You keep me out of darkness
And with your blood
I am forgiven for being once wicked. Amen


(Just so you know I wrote this, I was thinking about some stuff going on currently, and it gave me inspiration to want to write this) Hope you liked it. I thought it was pretty decent.

Calvinism vs. Arminianism

For the last couple weeks or so, I have been investigating my view of salvation. Both Calvinism and Arminianism are both very interesting views. I'm not hating on either one, and you'll come to see that in this blog I am leaning into Calvinism. I'm getting a couple books in the mail, one is called The five dilemmas of Calvinism, and the other is by Spurgeon, called a Defense of Calvinism. I have been doing my own research of both views, I have read many things online, specifically google books (that site is awesome), however, I've come to understand that Calvinism is based on scripture alone. As a Christian, that is what I believe to be solely important. Not beliefs created from the Church, or people that like to misinterpret without analyzing the Bible as a whole. I call it, "seeing the big picture", and Calvinism does that. The TULIP, are the five points summed up. Total Depravity (man is completely depraved, we are incapable of choosing God). Unconditional Election (God chooses an elect of people, not everyone will be chosen, and he foreknows whom will be chosen). Limited Atonement (Jesus only died for the elect, not everyone). Irrestible Grace (God's grace cannot be resisted, once saved), and lastly, Perservance of the Saints (pretty much once saved, you will result in being saved, and you may fall, but you will return). If any of these points baffle you as a Christian, I can show you several scriptures to defend every one of these points. I'm not saying you need to be a Calvinist if you truly feel that Arminianism is right. And my small definitions of each point is nothing to what I have read on every subject. Just wanted to share this.

+ God Bless +

I've had enough of this crap.

Ok, for those who read my last blog, you should know I believe in God, Jesus Christ to be even more precise. I've been doing a bunch of reading online, just trying to do my best to prove His existence. And then I come across such things like, "Evolution has much more overwhelming evidence than Creationism", I mean personally I disagree, but then I read things and reading can be both good and bad, because I come across stuff that I don't like to read because I can be very open-minded and if it sounds legit, I'm gonna consider the facts. Usually I go to answersingenesis.org, because they typically know how to answer statements such as that. It really bothers me though. I feel like as much as Evolutionists say Creationists are blind scientists, we could really say the same thing about Evolutionists. But Evolutionists just automatically come to the conclusion that Creationists have no scientific support, which is completely not true.

Next thing I came across was the whole carbon dating process, Ok, this is crazy there are so many views on Carbon dating, and it bothers me to see that some scientists think its very much accurate and only off by a little bit, however, its comforting to see that some scientists believe its very flawed, and that the fact that its off at all shows it cannot be trusted. What to believe though? Yes, as a Christian, I believe it is flawed. However, I was talking with my dad, he believes in Evolution, and he said that the evidence for it is much higher than that of Creationism he said that its not far off from being a fact. The issue is he is really smart, and hes been looking into Evolutionism and Creationism for the last 35 years....so I can't really argue with him, especially when he says that he went through the same thing I did, and I don't want to be seperated from God when I'm his age if I read the same stuff he did. This scares me a lot. Like I truly believe in Jesus, however, I just don't know with this science crap. Science is so annoying sometimes. Especially when there are 2 views in it. And all the secular scientists, try to put it out there as though they are so certain that all their discoveries are facts, and that Creationists constantly use the same argument, and that we can only discredit them, but we can't completely prove our reasoning. From what I been reading, I think Creationism has more evidence than people realize. If anyone reads this blog, Christina, you included, show me some answers you have read. My own research isn't gonna be enough truthfully. And of course I'm gonna pray that Jesus shows me the answers to such secular views.

I'm really going insane here, pulling out my hair pretty much. I'm already believing based on Faith primarily, do I have to deal with all this extra? I'm gonna start saying, I believe because I have faith(Period). No more of this crap. Because clearly, it doesn't help obviously to show any evidence because someone of the atheist view will just show me something else to try to disclaim it and it goes back and forth. The other night I got into a debate with an atheist friend of mine and I was saying so much valid statements but I just was like talking to wall and he basically kept repeating himself like he just wasn't getting what I was saying to him. I was getting so furious. I get to the point where I'm just like "I give up" *sigh*..I know what I believe and I know I'm saved...and I tried....but....obviously no good.

PRAYERS PRAYERS PRAYERS please....

I'm back and feeling good.

Wow, its been a minute since I've written a blog on here. Well, I know my last blog wasn't so pleasant, and I'm sure I got a lot prayers from those Christian viewers out there. Prayers have been answered. I went down a road of darkness again. It was pretty scary actually.

But honestly, I've been thinking about it and I think it was all apart of God's plan for me. Before you say I'm crazy, let me explain. I'm not saying He wanted me to commit the sins that I did, however, I realized that after that struggle it actually strengthened me, it gave me a different view of the Christian perspective. I think I was too much of a judgemental Christian, and I think I was a bit of a hypocrite that Jesus did not like. I was reading my blogs and the way I sounded against other people and Christians was awful, and yes, no doubt, I clearly was a hardcore Christian, but I think a bit too hardcore. This fall that I went through, it actually showed me that being a Christian isn't about smacking people in the face for doing wrong, its about being there for those who fall, because every Christian does, and it also showed me that I am saved for sure. It gave me reassurance, because the fact that I didn't leave the faith altogether represents that God called me, and I will never leave.(Unconditional election).

Anyways, I'm on my way to righteousness again and I'm an adult now and I'm in college expanding my mind, and even though I might commit sins still, I'm working on myself. I'm repairing this walk by faith every single day that I grow. I love you Jesus.
Amen to that.

-Continual prayers is always appreciated

When will I come back to the light?

This is kinda depressing, but I'll go on with it, lately I have not been feeling so Christian, I mean don't get me wrong, I always know who my King and Savior is, Jesus Christ, and its not the fact that I deny him as God or any of that...I mean I love Jesus, like I've said before, Disciple in Christ right here....However, lately I've been committing a handful of sins, and restepping into some of my old habits, and I'm very disappointed in myself, I wake up sometimes feeling guilty, distressed, and most importantly, I wake up with the feeling that God is upset with me. I feel like I disobey him too often, and I only wish to be pure, but being 17, going on 18 soon enough, I just want to live like a teenager, and have fun with my friends. I wish there was someway to rid of these desires, but partying is one of my weak sins, it always has been. I need a serious prayer to whoever reads this blog. I'm worried that my faith will eventually slip altogether, if I can't keep myself in check. I still find it very interesting to read my theology, and study the word, for some reason that has not changed, its just my lifestyle that seems to be going back to the way it was prior....

Sometimes I look at the sky, and think to myself, Am I saved? Then I always get that same gut feeling, "Yes" - Which is most likely being delivered from my Amazing Jesus. Because Jesus knows I still believe in Him, I just don't....well, I don't act too Holy, and what bothers me the most is that I feel like a hypocrite at times when I try to teach others about the Gospel. There have been plenty of days where I've spent just consumed in God. Ask anyone. But since summer vacation started, and I'm out of school now, there is no more book time, only "chilling" time, and I need somekind of sign from God, that EVERYTHING will be fixed in due time, and I need to know that He still has me on the list to Heaven someday. I'm afraid of what He will say to me on Judgement day, I'm just glad He looks into my heart, and sees the struggle I'm having with all this, and since I am having this struggle, I'm assuming thats a good thing, because clearly He knows I suffer with all this.

Lastly, I know many Christians will tell me, Well you need to take a leap of Faith, and Change your lifestyle. Heres the big problem that I think is really driving me crazy, As much as I really want to change into a better person, I also enjoy some of the sins I do, and I'm freaking out that I'm still in some ways, a slave to sin. I'm not saying, I approve of them, I just find them apart of me at times, and it all slips out eventually. But Thanks be to God, that we don't earn our way into heaven by the deeds we do, but by the Grace he has provided us. And I just got to keep the faith, just like Timothy has said before. I pray and repent that all of this passes over soon. Keep praying everyone. Keep praying.

*sigh*

Prayers please. Enough said.